Farewell Facebook

I did it.   I actually shut down my personal Facebook page.  

And OH. MY. GAWD.  It was not easy.  I'm still recovering.

So, here's what happened...

On January 6th, 2021, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I began to have a physiological response to what I was seeing.  No joke.  My heart started pounding and it was a struggle to take a deep breath.  As many of you know, I've had an anxiety disorder for 20+ years now, so my first thought was Holy shit, Facebook is giving me an anxiety attack.

Then I remembered that I'm 48 years old and thought Holy F*ck! Am I having a God damned heart attack from mother f*cking Facebook!!!

Let me tell you, when you put all of those words together and consider that they could be a real possibility, you decide real quick that it's time to go.  Sayonara.  Hasta la vista.  Later taters.  I'm packing my toys and gettin' the eff outta here!

But let's not fool ourselves here.  Once my pulse returned to its normal resting rate, and I had a sugar-loaded snack to soothe my inner drama queen, I logged right the hell back on.  

Yup.  

I mean, it's so easy to just press that little blue Facebook icon floating on the home screen of your phone, especially when you've been doing it for 12 years.  There are neuropathways established by this point!  I could not help myself. 

And I'm fully aware that I'm a glutton for punishment, but don't you try to tell me that you haven't done the same damn thing!  You've tried to go off The Facebook and failed, too!  Fess up!

Anywho....you know what happened next?

I came to a full and final realization that I hate Facebook.  I hate it for so many reasons.  Here are just three of the skatey-eight quadrazillion reasons:

1. I hate seeing photos of thin people and thinking 'I'm such a failure.  I'm still fat and they aren't.'  
2. I hate reading my "friends" feelings and thinking 'How was I friends with someone who thinks that this is okay??? Are they serious?'
3.  I hated seeing all of the insecurities and pontification and thinking 'Why do they feel the need to brag about this stuff?  Don't they see that they are special without pointing out every freaking win?'

My mom told me that my Grandma Louise used to say that 'we don't need to know so much about other people's lives.  There are parts of people's lives that we don't need to be aware of - for our sake and theirs.'  Grandma Louise was waaaaay ahead of her time.

My friend Arron said to me the other day, "Facebook. Toxic place for everyone to attack each other. The playground full of bullies that never closes."  And Sweet Jesus,  it seemed like such a perfect description!  

What sent me over the edge was seeing people who I care about and who I thought I knew so well posting the most racist and misogynist things.  Memes mocking people who looked, behaved, and/or believed in things that were different from them.  Photos with comments underneath, outing themselves for being something other than who I thought they were.  People with no political background spewing hate and ignorance, while miseducating others.  People who claimed to be part of a peace and love lifestyle screaming out disruption and hate!!!

And I cried.  

Let me say this as exactly as I felt it at that exact moment.  WHAT. THE FUCK. IS WRONG. WITH. PEOPLE????  What was wrong with me????  How could I love people who felt so strongly in a way so oppositional to the core of who I am????  

A whole group of people who bashed women and people of color... and **I** call them friends and/or family????

I was so ashamed.  How could I not know?  How could I be affiliated with them?  How could I love and adore them?

Grandma Lousie was right.  I don't need to know so much about other people's lives.  So, I'm done.  I'm done knowing and I'm done loving them.  

CHECK PLEASE!

(this one is especially for my fellow Stern fans)

NOW, on the flip side of this, I have to tell you that leaving was not all easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.   My main struggle was where in the hell to go to get advice.  I had no idea how often I went to Facebook groups to ask for guidance on stuff.  

Where can I find a good local gastroenterologist?

Which cordless Dyson stick vac is the best?

Anyone know what that email about snow days is all about?

How are the roads in town during the snowstorm?

Do these riding pants make me look fat?

Does anyone have a defibrillator I can borrow so I can maintain my social media connection and not DIE?

At least once a day I think of something I would normally dash on over to a Facebook group and ask questions about.  It's been over a month.  Google can't answer these kinda questions for me.  The struggle is real.

But the rewards outweigh the losses.  I have so much more time.  I'm a lot less angry.  I am not subjected to personal views that make me have chest pains.  And I also don't have to stay in touch with people who I now know I don't vibe with.  

I talk to my husband a lot more too!  Mind you, he may not see this as a reward.  

I also don't have "drama queen snack time" to soothe my sensitivities and boost my serotonin.  Extra bonus right there.  I lost four pounds just by eliminating my personal Facebook page.  True story.

Wishing you all love and many blessings,

Vicki

Facebook and 2020

Sweet Jesus....is this damn year over yet?

I'm going to use my husband's favorite expression of mine.  You have to imagine my look of exasperation and annoyance, but here it goes.

For fuck's sake.

I've been reviewing 2020 in my mind and thinking of all of the crap that has happened in my personal life that completely sucked.  With the exception of the loss of my step-father, Ben 💕, I found one common element in most of my 2020 stress.

Facebook.

Swear to God.

I know I'm not alone in this.  There have been a number of people who have mentioned that they quit or paused Facebook because it was just too much to deal with.  The social media monopoly seemed to amplify and exasperate all of the other stressful things that are going on.  Let me think of a few....

• Global pandemic (who was getting COVID and where did they live)
• COVID-19 (who thought it didn't really exist or that it wasn't that serious)
• Social distancing (who wasn't doing a good job of it and needed to be shamed)
• Masks (who doesn't know how to wear one correctly and which ones are crap)
• Sheltering in place (who didn't wanna comply and why why why)
• Education (who was inconvenienced by the schedule and remote learning) (guilty party right here!)
• Toilet paper and cleaning supplies (who was hoarding, who was deprived and WHY toilet paper?)
• Politics (who was slinging mud and who was getting muddy)
• Election (let's just not go there....it's still not even wrapped up completely)
• Children (who was losing their mind being trapped at home with their kids and who was grateful that they didn't have any)
• Elderly (who was paying attention to their vulnerability and who had loved ones stuck in nursing homes)
• First responders (who didn't appreciate their tireless work and who was exhausted from being essential)
• Relationships (which unions were going to crumble under the stress and who was "flourishing and blossoming in the most loving ways" 🙄) (I call BULLSHIT!!)
• Work (who was forced to go to work and who lost their income)
• Racism (whose lives mattered and who felt that racism was/wasn't prevalent) (It IS, for the record)

Those are just the broad topics.  There are a slew of subtopics in there as well, but let's be honest, we don't have all damn day.  You know them.  

What should have been a means of staying connected with our friends, family and community was being turned into a vehicle for venting anger and spouting off opinions with no repercussions or any reparations. Keyboard warriors were running the show and getting stronger with every added tragedy or societal concern.

In the midst of it all, I learned a very valuable lesson:  I bring out the worst in people on Facebook and Facebook brings out the worst in me.  

What was once a source of fun and giggles was now something that made me angry and hate human beings.   I'm a pretty positive, happy person for the most part.  I lean in to relationships that make me happy and hide from people who make me feel anger or emotional pain.  However, I am a true Gemini and I'm either super joyous or extra pissed off.  There isn't much gray area there.

I'd look through my Facebook timeline and start ripping!  "Can you believe that (so-and-so) is a (political candidate) supporter???"  "Look at these two miserable bastards pretending they have the perfect relationship!"  "How is this person on vacation when there is a global pandemic???"  "Why would (so-and-so) be showing off that they just bought a (expensive item) when so many of us have almost no income??" It went on and on and on.  I was just judging and criticizing and hating everyone.  And when I would post something positive, SOMEONE would inevitiably respond with their own judgement of me!  That was where started the cycle of hate began.

But then something changed. 

I grew tired of the anger.  I realized that every time I clicked on that little blue icon with the annoying lowercase "f" on my phone, I was bored by most of what I saw.  I discovered that I was looking for a good laugh or something uplifting and coming away uninspired and blah.  Yes, blah.  Commonly known as "meh".

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram and was giggling over a super judgey, feral cat who is literally a peeping tom, when I turned to Justin and said, "The guy eventually won the cat over....I freaking love people!"

His response?  "Wow.  I don't think I've heard you say anything beyond 'I hate people' in eons!"

How sad is that?  I'm not a people hater!  Or at least I wasn't.   I may be a people loather now though.  I have my select peeps and if you aren't one of them, I've got a bit of a bubble around me that's not going to permit you to access my Natural Vickness.

My friend, Lynn, left Facebook about a month ago.  She didn't want to be surrounded by the negativity any longer, so in one swift motion, she disconnected.   I was jealous and in complete awe of her.   It was such badassery!  

"So, it's been a week now.  How does it feel to not have Facebook any more?"  I was dying to know what life was like on the other side!  Someone disconnected and lived to tell the tale!

"Awesome!  I totally don't miss it at all," she said.  And she meant it.  I could tell.  And I LOVED IT.

Maybe it's time for me to disconnect too.  I want to find the "awesome."  Is leaving Facebook behind the answer to some of my woes?  Or am I just too sensitive to be a part of the gang?  Regardless, Facebook needs to find a way to stop the anger and 'find the funny' again.

We need decency among humans.  We need compassion, not indifference, for others.  We need to support each other.  We need to focus on what we completes us, not what destroys us.  

We need love.

xoxox 💖

ps. Yes, I am aware that Instagram is affiliated with Facebook.  It's like the happy place for those of us who can't handle the judgement and bullshit of the Big FU FB 😉

 

Tough Times

 I'm writing today's blog with no intention.  This is a first.  I usually sit down with a subject that I want to chat about and then work on covering all of my points.  It's the Project Paper lover in me.

Yes, I was one of those dorks who loved to write essays or term papers in school.  "What?  We have a project due?  Excellent!  This should balance out those shitty test grades I got from never studying."  

(My mother is cringing if she's reading this.  She's fully aware that I had the worst study habits and it's done nothing but burn her biscuits all of these years.)

Today I'm gonna just sit my arse down and write.....let all of those lovely words in my brain flow out.  No subject.  

(this is me staring at the page)

You know what?

I'm freaking tired.

I'm tired of all of the bullshit going on around us.  I'm tired of the political chaos.  I'm tired of logging onto social media and seeing people argue as if their nasty words mean anything more than a way to cause pain.  I'm tired of the hate.  I'm tired of the schedule of life being flip flopped every time I think I'm getting used to the 'new normal'.  I'm tired of seeing no toilet paper on the shelves at the damn store.  And I'm tired of being tired.

To go even deeper, I have a whole list of crap that exhausts me on an internal level.

I don't sleep well, yet I always want to lay down.  I'm depressed after discovering that I had bunch of friends who say hateful things on Facebook that don't match my beliefs.  I'm hurt because I have people in my life who I adore, yet don't reciprocate my level of personal investment, so I must "let them be."  I'm anxious about my daughter getting a good education and what it will mean if I don't do my part at a home well and she begins to slide.   And chocolate doesn't taste right anymore.

Yet, there are people who have far larger worries than I do.  And we all need to keep that in mind.  We need to maintain perspective.  It will foster gratitude.

Positive mindset, my peoples.  I'm struggling to maintain it, but I'm trying.

We have a popular saying at our house that makes us giggle.  We got it from my friend, Trish.

Trish and I were standing in the yard between our houses, talking about life and when there was a pause, she sighed, crossed her arms over her chest, eyebrows raised, and nodded knowingly, while saying, "Tough times, Vic.  Tough times."  

I don't know what it struck me as funny.  It was so worldly and knowledgable, but it also made me think, "These things ARE tough, but it could be so much worse."

Also, she has the BEST facial expressions EVER and makes me laugh constantly, so I'm sure that factored into it.  

So, as we approach the season of giving thanks, I say two things to you:

Yes, these are indeed tough times.  We must cut ourselves some slack and just try our best.

But we need to remember that times are tougher elsewhere.  Be compassionate.  Use your gratitude to bring awareness to what's going on around you.  And be gentle with those who are experiencing something different.  We all are on separate paths.

I can't just end this on such a serious note.  

I've been sending my daughter to school with a joke of the day.  It started out as just ONE joke for ONE day.  I thought it would be cute to put on her note in her lunch.  (What is a cat's favorite color?  Purrrrrple.)

The following school day, she asks, "Mommy, can you do another joke?"

Okay.  No problem.  I get on the internet and find another one.  (What do you call a big pile of kittens?  A MEOWntain.)

The following school day, she's getting dressed and she says, "Mommy, you better get down stairs and get working on your joke for today.  I share them with the whole class."

Excuse me?  Suddenly, I'm required to provide humor for her 4th grade class?  Like, this went from something cute, to a job.  Add that to my list of shit that will stress me out.

And then I think, 'One day she won't want jokes.  And maybe she feels good entertaining the kids.  And the teacher seems to be cool with it.  Bust out your funnies, girl.  These are tough times."

I will leave you with a few clean jokes I found along the way.  I find them to be more entertaining when you try to imagine them when reading them the second time.  Cuz you always have to read them twice. Enjoy.

• Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “How do you drive this thing?”       (get it? The OTHER kinda tank)
• Just got attacked by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.        
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam.”
• Larry was an old piece of lasso who steps into a bar one day for a drink. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Hey, Pal, we don’t serve ropes here.”  Larry steps outside, ties himself into a clove hitch and unravels one of his ends into a feathery mess. He goes back inside and in a low voice says, “Beer, please.” Bartender says, “Hey. aren’t you that rope who was just in here?” Larry replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

Oh, what the hell, why not?  Here are some memes I got from my favorite Facebook page Quaramemes

(FYI, my friend Lynn obviously cut this - you should see her with a birthday cake!)

The Workout Worked Out

Wow.  That was a long "24 hour"s.  🙄

Let me start where I left off.

I went to the workout.  I was soooooo nervous and totally freaked out and completely anxiety- ridden.  All I kept thinking about was how out of shape I was going to be compared to everyone else.  And, really, it did me no good.

Everyone starts somewhere.  Nobody is born looking like an Olympic athlete.  You never hear about babies bursting out of the womb and bench pressing the changing table.   "Drop and give me 50" said no pediatrician ever.

Except for maybe this baby's doctor

Anyway, my therapist, Steve, always says to "identify the fear" when I get like this.   And then determine "if it's a rational fear or not".

Just the word FEAR kind of straightened me out.  It's a freakin' workout class.....with friends.....taught by someone I trust more than most family members.  What is there to be AFRAID of?   

Nothing.  And as I pulled into the parking lot, I became blessedly fearless and totally psyched.  I was a tad nervous, but I think that's a rational reaction.

I was definitely a new kid on the block in the workout world, but it all felt very normal to not be able to lift a lot of weight, or do reverse lunges with my knee far from touching the floor.  I giggled with Lynn when we lost our balance using our resistance bands for curls.  And Rose and I shot each other desperate looks when Trish called out, "Okay....let's do it all again" after a grueling set of side planks and crunches.  

Again, everyone starts somewhere.  I looked at that class as being my baseline by which I would measure every workout to come.  Cuz I was gonna go back.  I knew it when I packed up my equipment.  I accomplished stuff and I felt completely awesome afterward!  

Don't we look happy post-workout?  I love them ever so.  Me and my girls......

Flash forward to yesterday and, while I still can't do some things well, I know that my knee was waaaaaay closer to the floor than it was two months ago while doing my reverse lunges.  And I have increased weight and amount of resistance to my workout.  My biceps jiggle a lot less when I shake my arms and I can do some killer squats.  

Here is the biggest shocker of them all.....

I'm having hand surgery in a few days and I'M GOING TO MISS GOING TO MY CLASS!  

I can't believe I just typed those words in reference to working out, and yet I mean them with every fiber of my being.  In June, if you told me that I would be longing for the exact thing that I was totally freaked out to even start, I would've told you that you were completely bonkers.   

But it's true.  Totally true story.

xoxo

Vicki

Linus Says CRACK!

Have you ever thought something was a great idea and been truly psyched about doing it, only to think about it as the time approached......and totally panicked?

OMG....what was I thinking?  I can't DO that?  I hear my couch calling.....I'm cancelling.

That was me this week.  That is me right now.  That will be me until 8:31am tomorrow.

But here's the thing.  I'm not cancelling.  

And you can bet your bippy that I reeeeeeeeally wanna cancel!

But I'm not.

'Cuz it's not what's good for me.

This, my friend, is all very new to me.  As a person who has suffered with a panic/anxiety disorder for 25 years, when I feel social anxiety, my ass cancels.  

I don't know WHY I get social anxiety.  I like a whole lot of people.  I love my group of friends.  I have whittled it down to a small select group of people who make me feel loved and safe.  I have a tribe.  Yup.  These are people who I would be more than happy to live out the rest of my life with on a large piece of property and I know that I will always feel, again, safe and loved by them.

Let me get to the point and explain my cancel/non-cancel situation.

As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I've been working with Trish for almost a year now to learn how to eat and exercise and take care of myself like a normal person.  I'm getting pretty good at this!  I have an enormous pile of super bad habits that are 30+ years old to undo, so I knew this was not going to be a permanent change that happens in 2 months.  

I told Trish recently, "A year ago, I had no idea how to eat things that weren't full of carbs.  Like, adding a salad was me being healthy.  And we maybe cooked 2xs a week.  And if you had told me a year ago that I would be doing 2 workouts a week, I would've been like "ummmmm....I doubt it!"  

But here I am, using weights 2xs a week and cooking every day and doing some sort of enjoyable cardio 3xs a week.  It's just shocking.

Anyway, earlier this week, she came to me and said, "I'm offering a workout on Saturday morning at the park to people I've trained or people who might be interested.  Come over! I'll text you the information."

And you know what I said?  I said, "Definitely!  That sounds great!  Count me in!  I'll invite Rose & Lynn and we will all come together."

I was psyched! This was a great idea.  And I wanted to go.  I had just worked out the night before and it had felt awesome when I finished, so why wouldn't I go???

Then I walked into my house.

Shit.

And then the text came in.  All of the details in a lovely text with excitement and happy emojis and completely reflective of how I felt when I was getting the invitation.  

I couldn't do this!  I couldn't go workout with a bunch of people I didn't know who were probably in great shape and knew how to do all of the exercises in the whole wide world with absolute perfection and look stunning while doing them!  Nay nay! I ain't goin'.

I swear, if the clouds had opened and a ray of light from God had shined down upon me at that moment, I wouldn't have been surprised.  Because it was the little miracle I needed to push through this moment.

Out of nowhere, I could hear my therapist, Steve, say to me, "So many people get social anxiety.  Anxiety is fear related.  You just need to ask yourself what you're afraid of and then determine if it's a rational fear.  It usually isn't."

What was I afraid of?  I could make a huge list, but the top fears were as follows:

1. Looking like an out of shape klutz and being totally spastic while exercising.
2. Not being able to keep up with everyone else.
3. Being judged.

Suddenly the answer was upon me!  

I needed a security blanket.  Slap me on the arse and call me Linus!  THIS TIME I was going to conquer all of the  ridiculous anxiety crap like a badass Linus would've done!

Remember my tribe that I mentioned?  I needed to feel safe and loved and I was going to pluck two of my girls up out of the gang and call 'em to town.  I had already given myself the answer when I told Trish I was coming.  The girls already know I'm a big klutzy doofus.  And if I spaz out or cant keep up or feel judged, I just have to look over and they will be ready to laugh with me, armed with some sort of hilarious feedback that makes me feel like none of that even matters.  

Every time that anxious demon pops up in my head and I think, "Just cancel.  You can work out at home.  No one will even notice that you aren't there," I remember that I committed to this with my friends and they will be there to support me just like I will be there to support them.  Linus says CRACK!

Wish me luck.  It's tomorrow.  I'll let you know how it goes.  

Because I AM going to be there.

xoxo,

Vicki

Fresh Start, an Apology and Some Advice

WOW!  It's been over a year since I last wrote.  My, how things have changed in the world!

I saw an excellent post on Facebook recently about 2020 bringing about the 1918 Pandemic, 1929 Depression and 1968 Race Riots back all at once.  These three things at once have definitely tested our resourcefulness and fortitude during the the past few months.  Even more so, we have certainly discovered where many of our fellow Americans sit in regards to discrimination and loyalty, through their words and/or actions.  We've been tested physically, mentally, financially and emotionally.

Someone needs to fix 2020....... TOUT DE SUITE!   We can start here....

I've been itching to get back to blogging for the past few months, but the things that matter the most  to me right now are some hot topics that are better left to "bigger actions and stronger forums".  Not some blog that will only invite people to take sides and argue points.  The "keyboard warriors" are gonna have to look elsewhere.  Instead, I implore you to use your energy to take action.  Didn't your mama tell you.....

Read that one again.  It's a gooder.

And while you're at it, stop hoarding paper goods!  I swear one of the toilet paper companies started the need to hoard TP, because I can't understand what the logic was behind this worldwide need to stockpile the stuff.

Cough medicine, I get.   But virus wasn't causing the runs....the trots....the flyarrhea....the loose juice.....the flying jimmies....the stinkle tinkle....the joggins.....or my own personal favorite, the bubblins.

(note: I just found a page full of slang words for diarrhea, and I couldn't stop myself.  It was word vomit.  😉. Sorry, Mom)

Anyway...... 

Being a rather light and airy blog, I'm taking it back to its roots.  This blog began as a "mommy blog",  became a "diet blog" and ended up being something more along the lines of a "total-health quest blog".  We are going to continue with that, okay?

Before I proceed, I have an apology to make to some previous readers, if they are still here.

When I began blogging about Lydia Wente's program, I neglected to mention that it's not a low-cost  program.  It's an investment.  And I totally understand that many people cannot afford to make larger investments, especially now.  

Truth be told, I couldn't either.  I had to get financial support to do the program.  

The deciding factor for me what that I could not live one more moment with the eating disorder.  The need for help was a much larger component in choice to enroll.   I was fortunate enough to be able to get the money to pay for her help.  And I am forever grateful to Lydia Wente for changing and saving my life.  I will always support what she does and I will always recommend her program to people.

I do want to apologize to anyone who felt that my posts misled them in any way due to the financial cost.  Everything I posted was factual and sincere.  However, I didn't consider that some people may have felt as though omitting the price of the program led to them pursuing an option that they never would have pursued had they been given that information.  I will say with 100% certainty that I never thought of the price because to me, personally, it was invaluable.  I just wanted to share my success.

I did the program over 2 years ago, so I have no idea what the cost is now.  If you would like to get more information on this, I would recommend asking Lydia personally.   She offers a number of ways to receive financial assistance if you are interested.

What I would like to do is make another recommendation for more affordable options if Lydia's program isn't an option for you.  Since completing her program, I've worked with two other people who have taken "the new me" and taught me how to build on that foundation.  They are STILL teaching me, actually!  And they are two of my favorite people.

The first person I went to was Summer Innanen.  OMG, I love her!  I read her book and decided that she was the girl for me.  She is relatable, sensitive, funny, insightful, and she says it like it is.  There are so many options at so many financial levels for women who are aiming for help with disordered eating AND Body Positive Living (a/k/a loving yourself right now!).  Plus, she is accessible.  You're not a number or a payment.  

Through conversations, Summer helped me find that I deserve more that I thought I did, why I felt I didn't deserve it and how to give it to myself.  I'm going to include the link to her website and her book below.  Check her out!  

The link to Summer's website summerinnanen.com

The link to Summer's book - Free For Kindle Unlimited Members!!

After Summer, I realized that I had no idea how to eat like a normal person.  I had no idea how to eat and exercise.  I wasn't a gym person.  I ate cereal, loaded ham sandwiches and pizza. Diet food was gone from my life, so what in the hell was I supposed to eat????  I had injuries that needed to be considered when choosing how to exercise, and the only plans I saw were either for already fit people or people who wanted to do a boot camp.

Ummmmm.....nope.

I searched the internet thoroughly and I needed help.  I felt like there was no one for me.  I needed someone who really cared, could teach me how to eat like a normal person and could also teach me how to exercise and not hurt myself.  

The second person I went to was Trish English, the owner of O.N.E Optimal Nutrition Exercise.   All of that stuff I mentioned above?  She does that.   And if you DO like the gym and know how to eat, she will STILL teach you stuff you didn't know to make your life even better.  I say LIFE because she doesn't just focus on your body.  She focuses on the ENTIRE thing.  Mind, body, soul.  As a yoga teacher, kick box instructor and personal trainer who spent a verrrrrrrrry long time studying the science of how  nutrition affects your body, she's got it all.  

Since starting with Trish, I've learned how to eat like a normal, healthy person, I've learned that working out can be fun and easy, and I've learned to take care of myself as a human being.  And, again, she is an accessible person!  She responds to emails personally and thoughtfully, she replies to her Facebook  page quickly and she'll even talk to you on the phone or in person.  She will commit to you as much as you commit to her.  I'll post links to her website, Facebook and Instagram pages below.

O.N.E. Facebook Page

O.N.E. Instagram Page

O.N.E Program Webpage

I'm still with her.  I’m still learning.  She's my inspiration for health, fitness, parenting and general "good-personedness".

And yes, she's affordable.  

Okay!  So, with all of that being said, if you have any questions, please reach out.  And I'll be back.  For my birthday this year, I decided I want to work on Self Care more than ever.  Hope you'll join me

xoxo,

Vicki

p.s. Just to reiterate.......

Accept and Deny

Happy New Year!!!

Can you believe that 2019 is right around the corner?  Time to start writing the year wrong (once again) for another 2 months!  Whoo hooo!

My wish for you

2018 has been a truly metamorphic year for me and I'm really excited to see what the next phase is.  I've spent the past year digging deep and breaking down bad thought processes, so 2019 is going to be all about building my crazy self back up with some new "internal architecture". (I totally made that up....it sounds fancy, no?)

It's not packaged pretty, but here is my final video of this year and I felt like the message itself was more important than making sure I stopped scratching my nose so much or taking a break to fix my hair.  It all flowed rather nicely in my brain, but it didn't come out quite as smoothly.  But, alas, it is ME.  And look at that ENTICING thumbnail!  (For the love of Peter Paul and Mary....ARGH!!!)

Please click HERE if the video isn't visible

If you are interested in reading more about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, which I mention in the above video, please click on one of the links below:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment   (Wikipedia)

https://followtheintuition.com/minnesota-starvation-experiment-eating-disorders/ (Parallels between the MSE and disordered eating)

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/10/hunger.aspx (The Psychology of Hunger article from the APA)

I wish you all a very happy new year and thank you for sticking with me during this roller coaster ride of 2018!

And remember.....

Wishing you many blessings in the New Year,
Vicki
xoxoxo

Sweet Freedom - Part Two - ReeeeeeeMixxxxxx

Here's a little quiz for you all:

1- What would it be like to never diet again?  (oh, stop the nonsense!)

2 - Can you imagine not caring how many calories you ate or how many steps you walked or what an actual serving size of everything is?   (of course not....I need numbers!  I need stats!  I'm changing my body, dammit!)

3 - Where would you spend the money you save if you stopped buying prepared food, diet supplements, weight loss programs, exercise or diet apps?  (hmmmmm.....I'm not even sure how much I spend....)

Oh, here's a gooder.....

4 - How would it feel to look in the mirror and be pleased with what you saw after doing everything above?

Wait.... WHAT?  Who would ever believe such malarky is even possible????!

Well, there's ME, for starters.  And thousands of other women are getting on the band wagon, too.  

I almost forgot to ask.....

Do you consider yourself a slave to the diet culture?  Here's the second part to the quiz to help you figure that out:

5 - If you are doing a weight loss program today and "are bad and eat off program", do you tell yourself that you might as well finish out the day eating whatever you want, and you can "start fresh tomorrow"?  (The day is ruined already, so why not stuff my face with forbidden food as I wallow in it.)

6 - Do you think if you aren't watching every calorie you eat, every carb you ingest and how many steps you walk each day, that you'll surely gain tons of weight?  (Losing control is exactly how I got myself into this situation!  I won't make that mistake again!)

7 - Does the sound of "loving how my body looks right now" equate to the thought, 'If I accept how I look now, I'll never get healthy/thinner/better?" (I'll be happy with my body when I'm thinner.  Until then, self love is off the table!)

8 - Are YOU the person you blame when you lose weight and then stop dieting and gain it all back?  (Well, who ELSE would I blame??)

So, how many times did the words in italics make you say, "That's exactly right"?

They are all normal reactions among those involved in the diet culture in some way.  It's okay!  Every year, 45 million other humans on this planet spend $33 billion on the quest for weight loss too!  I was one of them for over two decades. 

And the thought of even entertaining the answers to the first four questions would have felt like a ridiculous waste of time during that part of my life.  I would have considered those concepts to be total nonsense......pish posh!!  Those are pipe dreams, right?  (or ARE they?? 🤔)

The second set of questions actually gives me anxiety..... both now and during the previous twenty years.  In my head I hear 'Self Control!  Failure!  Self Control!  Failure!'  as answers to all of them.  I can't believe I lived so long with such a negative attitude.

True story!

This year, 2018, has been a year of introspection; and not necessarily because I planned it that way!  I never could have imagined that breaking my wrist in February would force me down this path of self discovery and transformation.  There was a whole part of my "Vicness" that was very silent and trying to stay unnoticed because it didn't want to change.

HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE AN EATING DISORDER FOR 20 YEARS AND NOT KNOW IT???   For me, this happened because it was a side effect of getting totally sucked into the lifestyle of dieting!!!  I still weigh the same and along the way, I acquired Binge Eating Disorder.  

Good times.

This May, I completed Lydia Wente's Beat The Binge.  Step one for me was to identify and treat my eating disorder.  I knew in my gut that the program would help me find answers for wellness and recovery, but I never imagined that the program would be the kick-off for even another level of self discovery.  

Beginning June 4th, I will be doing a program to help me find a BIG OLE YES for the answer to Question 4 above.  And after that, I have MORE to do!  It's so exciting!  

While part of me can NOT imagine saying, "I think I look awesome just as I am!" at this point of my life, I remind myself that in February, I couldn't imagine NOT eating 2 pounds of Reeces Miniature Peanut Butter Cups, one or two sleeves of graham crackers, 1/2 a box of Lil Bites and a 3-serving bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats to top it off..... IN ONE SITTING..... QUITE FREQUENTLY!!!!!  I won't even get into the damage done at Dunkin Donuts or with Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.

So, if I can get past THAT, I can do ANYTHING!

Join me in Summer Innanen's Body Image Remix 21 Day Program beginning June 2018.  Learn how to love yourself outside of the diet culture, just as you are.  It IS possible.

There's no food or equipment to buy!  And you get her book for free!  I read the book.....it's awesome!

Summer has a number of recurring programs, as she is a body image, self-confidence, body positivity and self-image coach.....a total powerhouse in the body positivity movement!  And who doesn't need one of those???

Many blessings,
Vicki
xoxox

Lol....makes me giggle every time!

Sweet Freedom - Part One - I Found Help

Yay, me!!!

Earlier this month, I completed Lydia Wente's Beat The Binge program, and HOT DAMN.... I am  PSYCHED!

Lydia recently invited me to do an "exit interview" after graduating the program and I was quite honored to be a part of it.  God knows that after dealing my wackiness on a daily basis for 8 weeks, I should do anything she asks of me.  

The fact is that the whole process was amazing.   And I had..... get this..... an incredible time!  Yup.  I said ‘incredible’, and I mean it!

Granted, there were some tough moments as I tried to find answers to overcoming my eating disorder, but when the answers came, they always left me wanting more.  Every step was even more exciting and educating, leading me to WANT to search for more answers.  It never once felt tedious or boring.   This was self-discovery at its finest AND most enjoyable.

And if I had a dollar for every "Ah-HA!" moment that I had, I'd be a happy camper.  I always love a good "Ah-HA!" moment.

There is nothing else out there that even compares to Lydia's program.  Lydia is so knowledgeable and just brilliant in her field.  An extra bonus is that she has such a warm heart and fun personality! Here we are discussing my experience with the Beat The Binge program:

(IF YOU DO NOT SEE A VIDEO ABOVE, CLICK HERE)

If you know anyone who might benefit from Lydia's program, please share this post or her video via social media or email.... or whatever it is that you do to pass on interesting info!  

Truthfully,  there are probably many people in our lives who WOULD benefit from this but we just don't know it.  No one knew how much I needed Lydia's help until I discovered it myself.  I would have been so grateful if someone had pointed me in her direction much earlier.

Please share.  You may be doing an enormous favor for someone you care about!

Many blessings,

Vicki

xoxox

PS.  Part Two of my finding freedom is coming verrrrrrrrry soon.  Like, tomorrow!

This ABSOLUTELY is NOT a paid endorsement for the Brain Over Binge Program!!  Just the facts....according to me (and hundreds of others 😉)

An Overdue Apology

I'm not really sure how to even begin.

I've owed you an apology for so long, but only recently realized this.

I think I should start by saying thank you.  Thank you for putting so much into our life together.  Thank you for keeping me going when I thought I couldn't continue.    Thank you for all of the things you have done for me and for how perfectly you've done them.

I can't imagine how I overlooked your grace, beauty and fluidity.  Instead, I was busy focusing on the things about you that I wish were different.  It's disgraceful.  I promise you that I will take the time to appreciate all of the things about you that are beautiful.   I will say nice things to you from now on and I will begin with your beauty.

You are unique and beautiful and strong and brilliant.  You do miraculous things every day that I don't entirely understand, and often I don't praise you for them.   I should be shouting from the rooftop how incredible you are!

Thank you for tolerating me every time I was harsh in my treatment of you, or when I spoke of you so cruelly.  I regret that I criticized you or lashed out at you, and meanwhile you were forced to tolerate it.  You've had no choice but to carry on.  If any other friend or family member said the things about me that I have said about you, I would have disowned them.  

I  wanted you to change constantly.  I've deprived you of what you needed in hopes that you would change, and when you didn't, I insulted you and claimed that something was wrong with you.  The cruelty is mind-blowing.  I feel such shame over this.

It is impossible to comprehend how you endured the endless comparisons to others!  If someone had told me that so-and-so was prettier or more perfect than me, I would have said that they were being verbally abusive.  I have been the reproachful one and I was totally oblivious.

I am begging you to forgive me and to find a way to trust me again.  I will let you be you and allow you to function in the ways you are supposed to.    In time, I hope that you will feel safe enough with me to "just do you" and not try to jump hoops to try to conform to who I thought you should be.  You are perfect and I will treat you that way from now on.

Today I will turn over a new leaf.  I promise.  I will say nice things to you.  I will talk nicely about you to others.  I will take time to appreciate all of your gifts.  I will give you things you've asked for but arrogantly felt you couldn't handle or didn't deserve.

I am so grateful that you haven't given up on me or turned on me......and I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to see how poorly I've treated you.

Thank you for always giving me another chance.

I only have one body, and you are it.  Without you I am nothing.

With Love,
Your Mind

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Insane DIet News

It's the diet news that's nuts.....not a diet based on insanity, just in case you were confused by the title 😉.

Actually.....can you imagine that?  "A diet that will make you insane!  But we promise you'll lose weight!"  I can't even fathom how many people would actually consider it..... cuz trust me when I say that there are people who would.

I had to pause there and think that one through.  Was there any point in my life where I would actually agree to go temporarily insane in order to lose weight?  And the answer was YES.  I'm very sad for that version of Me.  Desperate times, people.  Desperate times.

Anywho!  (Don't you just love people who say that?)

I've completed my sixth week on Lydia Wente's Beat the Binge program and I'm just so pleased with the entire process.  My next post will explain how life changing it was for me in greater detail, but as of now I can tell you that I have NOT binged in over six weeks.  It's the first time in over 20 years.  I feel informed, educated, enlightened, supported, loved (yes, LOVED!) and free!

As I said, LIFE CHANGING.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.  I wanted to touch on two other topics today before I get into the subject of my progress.  I want to be a little bit closer to the end of the program before I share that information, but trust me, it's coming!

First, a few people reached out to me about their confusion over whether overeating is the same as binging.  It's not.  To help you understand the difference, I made the quick video below:

Click here if you don't see a video above

Part of the freedom I've gained is due to the acceptance of the previously alluded-to diet news.  I think you'll find this as interesting as I did:

Click here if you don't see a video above

So, what do you think?  I imagine there are a number of people who refuse to accept that diets don't work, or that there isn't a magic pill/drink/program out there to take our weight loss woes away.  That's completely understandable as many of us  (and I say US because it was my way of thinking for 30 years as well) have put all of our hope into this one belief.  It's our only salvation if we "ever want to find true happiness and the ability to love our bodies".   That one diet/drink/program/pill is our Holy Grail!  If not for that, what hope do we have???!

While we are busy spending money on trying everything that the diet industry is trying to shove down our throats (pun totally intended), the answer sits before us every moment of every day.  And it's FREE.  No joke.  FREE.

As the diet industry pushes us over the edge of insanity, urging us to spend every waking moment planning and counting and buying helpful weight loss aids, inner peace and freedom stares back at us in the mirror.  Unfortunately, most of us don't believe that this is even possible.  In our minds, if we can't lose weight WITH the help of "science", how can we possibly do with WITHOUT?

The reality is that the true science is within us, but we keep messing with it.  The "fake science" (not related to Trump's "fake news"), has tricked us into believing that we need their extra help, when the truth is that every time we take their extra help, we get further and further from our goal.

So, what am I getting at?

Our bodies know how to do "this" already.  With the exception of some of us with medical issues, our bodies are built to keep us alive and healthy and in shape.  The science behind the human body will help you with balancing your weight as long as you treat it well.   We need to stop putting crappy food and metabolism- destroying substances into our bodies and let it do its job!  Like a good employee, if you treat your body well, you will get good results!

Put good, healthy food in your body and it will run with peak performance.  Stop with the "something better"!  Every time you use "something better", you are pushing your body further from optimal performance and creating a longer recovery period when you finally figure all of this all out.

But you CAN do it.  Give your body a chance to undo all of the "mystery miracles" that you've tried to enhance it, let your body regulate itself and do its job.  It's very capable if you let just treat it well.

This next video is great!  It's one of my favorites.  I've been dying to share Lydia's video about what happens to your body after you stop restricting (i.e. dieting) or bingeing.  If it doesn't click the first time, watch it again.  After all, it's under 5 minutes and she's very entertaining! :-)

Click here if you don't see a video above

If you are like me and spent numerous years binge eating and dieting your way through life, PLEASE click here for Lydia's 5 Elements to End Binge Eating FREE Masterclass.  She's so amazing and I just absolutely adore her.  (More about that next time 😄)

Here are a few other interesting links that I thought you might enjoy......

Why Diets Don't Work....And What Does from Psychology Today

13 Experts Explain Why Diets Don't Work from BuzzFeed

A Neuroscientist Tackles 'Why Diets Make Us Fat' from NPR

Please click here if you don't see a video above

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Many blessings,
Vicki

Sharing A Spring Secret

Howdy partners!  It's been awhile.  I hope you're enjoying this slightly chilly transition into Spring.  I think Mother Nature is done asking us to "hold her beer" so she can show off with her dazzling displays of bombagenesis and whatnot.  Finally.....’tis time for blooming, everyone!

The great thing about Spring is that it's a fresh beginning for the Earth.  Everything that grows gets to come out and reveal itself in all of its glory.

I'm having a Personal Spring of my own.

I was quite nervous about this post.  No, quite isn't the word.  I was SERIOUSLY FREAKING NERVOUS about this post.  Yeah, that's more accurate.  (And the caps are totally necessary.)

I had a physical setback in the form of a broken bone at the beginning of February.  For 40+ years, I've avoided any physical injury that might seriously interfere with my life.  Mental drama, sure!  Physical trauma, not so much.

The funny thing about physical trauma is that in the true fashion of misery, it loves company.... in the form of mental drama.  Being unable to do every day things like brush my hair or put on a bra or cut up vegetables or even open a can of pet food wreaked havoc on my brain.  For someone who prides themselves on being independent and able to take on the world, all of this sent me into a fit of depression.

(Side note:  Nothing is worse than needing your husband to help you with personal feminine items, just in case you were wondering what the worst part could have been.  It was humbling and mortifying, to say the least.)

So, there I was in my deep depression, needing assistance, and randomly bursting into a pity party at any moment when I had an awakening.  A Personal Spring of sorts.

The situation revealed that my preferred method of coping with stress was not normal.  It was far from normal and it was spiraling out of control.  For 20+ years, I developed and perfected a coping mechanism that no one knew about.

How did I do this for so long and not realize it was a problem, not a solution?!  When had my extreme behavior become normalized in my mind?!  Had I gone too far to turn back?!

I was so good at keeping my behavior a secret that no one knew.  No one.  Not my family.  Not my dearest friends.  Not even my pets!  (Cuz pets are people too, you know.  They see crap; they just don't tell anyone.) (I know....it's not normal.)

Unable to cope with the reality of my situation, I knew I had to tell someone because, clearly, I wasn't able to help myself.  I didn't even see myself as "messed up" until 20 years had passed!  So, I swallowed my shame and embarrassment and pride and told my husband.  And he encouraged me to tell my mom as well.  And before I knew it, I had stopped running in circles and began moving forward in a straight line.

You know, I bet it was the dizziness from running in circles for 20 years that had me thinking everything was normal!  I am blond, you know.

So, in conclusion, let me introduce you to my Personal Spring.   (Click here if you do not see a video below)

Links to the sources in the video are below.... scroll down!

There ya have it!  All the deets.

That scared the bejeezus out of me.  All of the thoughts and fears I had of being judged or wondering if my friends would treat me differently were pushed aside when I asked my mom, "What do you think about me putting this out there?"

Her answer?  "We need to share things like this.  Maya Angelou did it when she put out I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings about the hardships she went through and she made a difference.  So, why wouldn't you talk about this?"  My mother made me feel like I was as important as Maya Angelou, y'all!  How freaking awesome is she at being a mom?!  Damn, I'm lucky!

I also feel compelled to add this statement in reference to this post and other previous blog posts:

(Click here if you don't see a video below)

With that, I'm going to leave you with something beautiful.  If you are a woman, take a moment to read through this and see the beauty in it... because it's about all of us.  Really.  Feel Phenomenal!

Love,
Vicki
xoxoxo


LINKS:
Lydia Wente's site: http://www.lydiawente.com
Lydia's YouTube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/Lydiapher (start with the video marked [#1])
Summer Innanen's book: https://tinyurl.com/ycdxxw9l
Wendy Hendry's book: https://tinyurl.com/y7yvuckz

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