Monday, August 12, 2013

Stuck In An ATM Vestibule With Jill Goodacre


The title is actually a shout out to fellow "Friends" fans.  If you were a fan of the show, you just envisioned Chandler sitting on the floor of an ATM vestibule, on the phone with Monica, trying to indicate his whereabouts without moving his lips.  Then you saw Joey take the phone, listen and hand it back to her, saying, "He's stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre" as if it was an every day occurrence.

I was indeed stuck in an ATM vestibule this weekend, but it was not with Jill Goodacre.  It was with a teenager, his mother and three other adults who all wanted to heave the little shit through the glass door.

Justin, Allie and I were at the town farmers market when we realized that between the three of us, Allie was probably the one with the most cash on her.  Allie and I went to use the ATM and when we reached for the door handle, we saw that there were six seriously annoyed adults standing around a 6 foot tall, chubby young man.  

The ATM is in the bank entrance, which is slightly larger than a bathroom stall for handicapped people.  (The entrance, not the bank.  That would be a very tiny bank!)  Everyone shimmied over a bit so Allie and I could get inside this little box and take our place in line.  

The teenager, who I shall refer to as Jackass (which is better than my original nickname of F**kface), was in front of the ATM and his mom was hovering over him, asking, "Did you punch in $280?  You need to punch in $280.  Oh my gawd.  Start over.  You didn't do it right."

At that point, his father sighed, his sister rolled her eyes, and they both left.  I kind of knew then that something was amiss.  

It's easier to just give you the dialogue at this point, because I'll just drag this on and on with angry details, so here we go:

Jackass: "This is stupid."

Mom: "It's not stupid.  Just pay attention and get it over with!"

Jackass: "I AM paying attention!"

Mom: "No you're not! You just did it again!  You typed $2800.  What are you doing??!!"

I looked at the people on either side of me and we all did that shrug-and-smile thing that you do when you aren't sure what's going on, but you know you should wait it out.  To be perfectly honest, because it was taking so long and he was hesitating with his responses to his mother, I thought that maybe he was mentally challenged and his mom was a rather impatient bitch.

Jackass: "There.  I did it."

Mom: "No.  You didn't.  You aren't paying attention.  This is ridiculous.  Hurry up!"

Jackass:  "Shut up."

Nice.  He told his mother to shut up.  Okay.  Now I think I see why mom is a little flustered.  She turned around to us a few times and mouthed "I'm sorry" during this episode and I was starting to think that maybe his mom was just at her limit with patience.

I need to clarify something for those of you who don't live in the Tri-State area, which includes New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.  We all are in a freakin' hurry.  Even those of us here in cow country.  We might live in the sticks, but we are still New Yorkers and we don't have time for bullshit.  

I have a friend from NJ who waits at a red light, watching the light of the intersecting traffic.  When that sucker turns red, if the brake lights of the person in front of her don't go out in preparation to accelerate, she lays on the horn.  (You know who you are, my little onion hater! lol)  In a nutshell, regardless of what you are doing, if other people are affected by your speed, get your shit moving.

Back to the ATM.

Mom: "You really need to look at the world around you.  There is a line!  And there are people outside waiting too."

Silence.

Mom: "Oh my God!  Stop texting!!!  You can type "yes" and "no" when you finish!  There is A LINE!"

Jackass: "SHUT....UP!"

It was at this point that I felt my throat closing up and I could feel my heart pounding through my chest.  I took a deep breath and just kept holding Allie close to me.   Everyone stopped smiling and we all stared at him like vultures looming over a wounded animal.  If he didn't scamper away in a few seconds, his death was eminent.  

This ignorant, selfish, rude, oblivious, entitled, mother f**king jackass was TEXTING while we were waiting patiently in line behind him!!  

TEXTING!  Something reserved for moments of solitude.  Not when you are sharing air in a tiny space with many humans who are in a rush to get money to buy vegetables, wine and baked goods from local farmers who are struggling to make a living.   And let me tell you, the bakery lady at the entrance sells out quick, so if you aren't snappy with your arrival time, it's "no cookies for you!"  This is critical stuff here!

Jackass took the money that the ATM finally spit out and just walked out the door.  He didn't look at any of us.  No acknowledgement, no apologies, no shrug-and-smile.  Not even a "screw you, peons!"  And his mom just scampered right after him.

We all just looked at each other in awe.  "What just happened?"  "Did she say he was texting?"  "He didn't even look apologetic."  "What in the hell is wrong with kids?"

For a moment, I got really scared.  Was this my future?  Was this what the teenage stage looked like in the 21st Century?  Was my little sweetpea going to grow into a self-absorbed monster like Jackass?  Was I going to be able to divert the process and at least make her semi-aware?  

Then I heard the rage inside of me and realized that this was not going to be Allie's future.  At least not without a fight.  I couldn't live in the same house with a child that behaved like that!  

If that was me, my mother would've taken that phone out of my hands, opened the door and winged the phone into traffic before she would let it get to that point.  And that is most likely what I would do, too.  Of course, I'd be kicking myself later as I gave my credit card number to the phone company to purchase a replacement, but you can be sure that there would be no Next Day Delivery on that sucker.  "Send it carrier pigeon.  She can wait."

On a happier note, after the farmers' market, we went to the grocery store and this was my pretty little shopping assistant....
She loved the Customer In Training flag
This was her first solo shopping cart mission, so it was packed full of entertainment.  The cart toppled over sideways three times ("Don't worry, Al.  It happens to everyone.  Let's keep moving, honey.") and she was eventually given a 20-Paces-Behind-Or-Your-Cart-Priviledges-Will-Be-Revoked warning after   slamming into my heels one too many times.  Mind you, she would get distracted by something and realize she had to catch up to me, so this cart collision was happening while running at full speed.

I thought of you all during this escapade as I envisioned a photo of her reaching out to one of the beer displays.  There were a few potential captions that made me giggle, but I really didn't have the nerve to do it.  What kind of parent sets their two year old up for a photo to look like she's purchasing beer at the supermarket?  
She's looking at the Corona display here.  I was THISCLOSE!

It was the shame that stopped me.  For once, shame beat the silly out of me.


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