OMG....what was I thinking? I can't DO that? I hear my couch calling.....I'm cancelling.
That was me this week. That is me right now. That will be me until 8:31am tomorrow.
But here's the thing. I'm not cancelling.
And you can bet your bippy that I reeeeeeeeally wanna cancel!
But I'm not.
'Cuz it's not what's good for me.
This, my friend, is all very new to me. As a person who has suffered with a panic/anxiety disorder for 25 years, when I feel social anxiety, my ass cancels.
I don't know WHY I get social anxiety. I like a whole lot of people. I love my group of friends. I have whittled it down to a small select group of people who make me feel loved and safe. I have a tribe. Yup. These are people who I would be more than happy to live out the rest of my life with on a large piece of property and I know that I will always feel, again, safe and loved by them.
Let me get to the point and explain my cancel/non-cancel situation.
As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I've been working with Trish for almost a year now to learn how to eat and exercise and take care of myself like a normal person. I'm getting pretty good at this! I have an enormous pile of super bad habits that are 30+ years old to undo, so I knew this was not going to be a permanent change that happens in 2 months.
I told Trish recently, "A year ago, I had no idea how to eat things that weren't full of carbs. Like, adding a salad was me being healthy. And we maybe cooked 2xs a week. And if you had told me a year ago that I would be doing 2 workouts a week, I would've been like "ummmmm....I doubt it!"
But here I am, using weights 2xs a week and cooking every day and doing some sort of enjoyable cardio 3xs a week. It's just shocking.
Anyway, earlier this week, she came to me and said, "I'm offering a workout on Saturday morning at the park to people I've trained or people who might be interested. Come over! I'll text you the information."
And you know what I said? I said, "Definitely! That sounds great! Count me in! I'll invite Rose & Lynn and we will all come together."
I was psyched! This was a great idea. And I wanted to go. I had just worked out the night before and it had felt awesome when I finished, so why wouldn't I go???
Then I walked into my house.
And then the text came in. All of the details in a lovely text with excitement and happy emojis and completely reflective of how I felt when I was getting the invitation.
I couldn't do this! I couldn't go workout with a bunch of people I didn't know who were probably in great shape and knew how to do all of the exercises in the whole wide world with absolute perfection and look stunning while doing them! Nay nay! I ain't goin'.
I swear, if the clouds had opened and a ray of light from God had shined down upon me at that moment, I wouldn't have been surprised. Because it was the little miracle I needed to push through this moment.
Out of nowhere, I could hear my therapist, Steve, say to me, "So many people get social anxiety. Anxiety is fear related. You just need to ask yourself what you're afraid of and then determine if it's a rational fear. It usually isn't."
What was I afraid of? I could make a huge list, but the top fears were as follows:
- Looking like an out of shape klutz and being totally spastic while exercising.
- Not being able to keep up with everyone else.
- Being judged.
Suddenly the answer was upon me!
I needed a security blanket. Slap me on the arse and call me Linus! THIS TIME I was going to conquer all of the ridiculous anxiety crap like a badass Linus would've done!
Remember my tribe that I mentioned? I needed to feel safe and loved and I was going to pluck two of my girls up out of the gang and call 'em to town. I had already given myself the answer when I told Trish I was coming. The girls already know I'm a big klutzy doofus. And if I spaz out or cant keep up or feel judged, I just have to look over and they will be ready to laugh with me, armed with some sort of hilarious feedback that makes me feel like none of that even matters.
Every time that anxious demon pops up in my head and I think, "Just cancel. You can work out at home. No one will even notice that you aren't there," I remember that I committed to this with my friends and they will be there to support me just like I will be there to support them. Linus says CRACK!
Wish me luck. It's tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.
Because I AM going to be there.