Friday, April 27, 2018

An Overdue Apology



I'm not really sure how to even begin.

I've owed you an apology for so long, but only recently realized this.

I think I should start by saying thank you.  Thank you for putting so much into our life together.  Thank you for keeping me going when I thought I couldn't continue.    Thank you for all of the things you have done for me and for how perfectly you've done them.

I can't imagine how I overlooked your grace, beauty and fluidity.  Instead, I was busy focusing on the things about you that I wish were different.  It's disgraceful.  I promise you that I will take the time to appreciate all of the things about you that are beautiful.   I will say nice things to you from now on and I will begin with your beauty.

You are unique and beautiful and strong and brilliant.  You do miraculous things every day that I don't entirely understand, and often I don't praise you for them.   I should be shouting from the rooftop how incredible you are!

Thank you for tolerating me every time I was harsh in my treatment of you, or when I spoke of you so cruelly.  I regret that I criticized you or lashed out at you, and meanwhile you were forced to tolerate it.  You've had no choice but to carry on.  If any other friend or family member said the things about me that I have said about you, I would have disowned them.  

I  wanted you to change constantly.  I've deprived you of what you needed in hopes that you would change, and when you didn't, I insulted you and claimed that something was wrong with you.  The cruelty is mind-blowing.  I feel such shame over this.

It is impossible to comprehend how you endured the endless comparisons to others!  If someone had told me that so-and-so was prettier or more perfect than me, I would have said that they were being verbally abusive.  I have been the reproachful one and I was totally oblivious.

I am begging you to forgive me and to find a way to trust me again.  I will let you be you and allow you to function in the ways you are supposed to.    In time, I hope that you will feel safe enough with me to "just do you" and not try to jump hoops to try to conform to who I thought you should be.  You are perfect and I will treat you that way from now on.

Today I will turn over a new leaf.  I promise.  I will say nice things to you.  I will talk nicely about you to others.  I will take time to appreciate all of your gifts.  I will give you things you've asked for but arrogantly felt you couldn't handle or didn't deserve.

I am so grateful that you haven't given up on me or turned on me......and I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to see how poorly I've treated you.

Thank you for always giving me another chance.

I only have one body, and you are it.  Without you I am nothing.

With Love,
Your Mind




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