Sleeping Beauty vs. Beauty Sleep

Every time I look at my daughter sleeping, Im amazed by her innocence, sweetness and perfection. I've felt this way since her first sleep and ,if anything, Im even MORE awestruck by it all than I was 29 months ago. She can sleep anywhere, whenever she's ready to do so. She seems to be more beautiful and precious than ever.

And Im freakin exhausted! I wake up with dark circles under my eyes, splotchy skin and a whole mess o' crankiness to amplify my not-so-fabulousness. I used to sleep like a rock and wake up feeling wonderful, but that is apparently over. I cant remember the last time i slept the entire night without Allie coming into bed at some point. I wake up at least twice during the night due to a foot in my ribs or getting throat punched by a little flailing arm or the ready cry for "Binky?!" that she tossed aside in her sleep.

This week we decided to take the front off of her crib in her room and try to entice her with the lure of "the big girl bed". Everything was going so well and we were playing all of the appropriate mind games in order to make sleeping in her own room sound good; i.e. reverse psychology "so, Allie, tonight you're going to have to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed, okay?" She was determined to sleep in her own bed and I could almost feel the benefits of a proper night's sleep at my doorstep.

Then my neurotic worrying was triggered. The bed rail that we bought to keep Miss Thrashalot in her bed while she is sleeping did NOT fit. Justin came downstairs and said, "Would you believe in that short period of time I took it out of the box, assembled it, unassembled it, and put it back in the box?". It was too big. I felt defeated. Another night of abuse at the hands, legs, head, feet, arms of a toddler. She would sleep with us.

Justin was surprised by my decision. "Why can't she sleep in there anyway?? It's just one night!" Someone else was anticipating getting our bed back to being just OUR bed again too. "She will fall out. She rolls all over the place. What if she hurts herself? Or if she falls out and gets scared and then doesn't want to go back in there again? This has to be a thoroughly positive experience. We cant risk it!" You would think we were planning some sort of military operation. Operation Sleep Alone.

My Babies R Us coupon is ready to go. The drive to Middletown is planned. We are not coming home without the bedrail. Right now, Allie is sleeping sprawled out in the center of our bed...sleeping soundly and becoming more lovely by the minute. Im off to find some eye cream. I foresee puffiness and dark circles in my very near future.

Drive-by Dreams and Holding Hands

Well, that was a short lived dream.  For a week I felt as though I was going to have to look for a new blog name.  I almost believed I was going to Side A.  Ahhhhh.....that was not going to come to fruition.  

As much disappointment as Justin felt about not landing the job, I felt twice as much about not having the chance to be a full time mom and bond more with my little girl.  I rarely let myself get my hopes up, but toward the end of the week, I started imagining what this new life was going to be like.  Not good.  

I was sad.  I spent a whopping 30 minutes crying over the loss of opportunity, angry at myself for allowing myself to imagine, pissed at him for presenting this potential change and then taking it away (that was more of my own bullshit, not his).  After the thirty minutes, I told myself that I didnt lose anything because I never had it to begin with and decided to focus on helping Justin through his sadness.  That's how I chose to cope.  Time to move on.

I have so many versions of this photo.  This is the most recent, but I have ones from her first month of life, holding onto my fingers with her beautiful, perfect little hand.  She's always sleeping on my lap and we are snuggled under a blanket. Im not sure why I feel the need to capture these particular moments, but I think that I feel connected to her mentally, physically and spiritually at the time.  She needs to touch me and I need to feel needed.  Oodles is accomplished here on both of our parts.  I wonder how many more years of these moments I get before they sort of fade out. 

I can't remember the last time I held my mom's hand.  Maybe at some point in the past year when I was at her house, crying about some situation that had me upset in a big way, she reached over and held my hand to comfort me.  Since Allie was born Ive had more of those moments in the past 2.5 years than in the decade before.  So perhaps there's a point in time when you go back to needing to hold your mother's hand?  I hope Im still around when Allie comes back for round two later in life so she can see both sides of this too.....as mother and daughter at the same time.

Sunday Sunday

This morning my alarm went off and I rolled over to see Allie between us, looking like a little cherub in her fleece footie pajamas, knees tucked under, tushy in the air, mouth open slightly, fast asleep. On the other side was my annoying phone which was vibrating and telling me it was time to go. Go, go, go.

Im trying to remember what Sunday's were like before this job. It was six years ago and that feels like it was a lifetime ago because we weren't married, BA (before Allison), my father was still alive and I worked some job that I both loved and hated. Im sure we slept in way past when normal people got up, and when we woke up Im sure we laid there like blobs trying to discuss how we could/should/would spend the day until after noon. Saturday was cleaning day (THAT I freakin remember...ugh) so I guess Sunday was for doing....whatever.

Now, Sunday is for getting up early, driving all over our town and towns nearby to get to appointments, in hopes that I can get home and spend quality time with Allie before I have to go out and do it again later that same day. For Justin, Sunday is getting up when Allie does, turning on Peppa Pig or Mickey Mouse, fetching her breakfast, laying in bed or playing in the living room until I get home. I seriously like his version better.

Periodically, I'll have no work on Sunday and I will be able to have the Justin version of Sundays, but its foreign to me. As much as I love it, I know its a fluke and it won't last. There is a tiny part of me that will not let me enjoy the moment because Im afraid to get comfortable and then have it taken away from me. Most of all, I spend a lot of time wondering how long it would take for me to adjust to that being the norm if I no longer had this way of living. I'd like to think it would be speedy! Although I think I would feel like a fish out of water for awhile.

I'd like my weekends back please. Or at least give me Sunday.

Jealousy

Once a week I take Allie to the local library for what we call "Baby Book Club".  They read books and sing and dance, and when it's all done they take you into another room where you bust out the glue stick, crayons and a pre-cut paper craft to assemble and take home.  It's really cute.  My mother, Justin's father and Justin have all taken her on occasion and they all came home raving about how it was the cutest thing they ever saw.  And it's also really good for Allie, seeing as how she only  has one little playmate, Natalie, who she sees every few weeks when Nana (my mom) and Natalie's grandma get together to let them play.  And when they play, that's super cute too.

I admit, I think EVERYTHING Allie does is super cute, but seeing her little personality evolve while interacting with others is just  precious to me.  Justin and I sit and gawk at her pretty much every waking moment.  She will NOT be complaining that her parents had anything but a positive affect on her self confidence years from now when she's in therapy (because, let's face it, we ALL are at some point.)

So, anyway, once a week we go to Baby Book Club and she gets social interaction and I get to do more gawking  and everyone is happy.  However, periodically, I look around the room at the parents to try to locate the ones who you just KNOW are stay at home parents.  Most of the parents are women, but there are some men mixed in there who are either stay at home dads or their work schedule allows them to take their tot to this little fun fest.   I mainly try to figure out what the deal is with the women.  Are they SAHMs?  Do they have a business where they can dictate their own hours, kind of like I do?  (It's more like I have to scramble to schedule that 40 minutes of time with my daughter)  What's their deal?

But the ones that trigger jealousy are the ones with children who are pregnant.  I'd hedge a bet that they are SAHMs for sure.   I just look at them and turn green with envy. I do not see anywhere in my near future where I will be pregnant again.  When the hell do I have time to GET pregnant, let alone BE pregnant?  I'm still trying to find "normal" in my current situation with just one.  My dream for two seems about as plausible as finding the answer to world peace.

But for a  second, I like to imagine that I have their lovely lives (because you know that the grass always looks greener on the other side....regardless of whether it's real grass or very realistic looking fake shit.)  I imagine that I don't have to drop off my daughter when Baby Book Club is over and speed off to my next appointment.  I like to think about going home and spending time with her and not being constantly interrupted by my phone as it beeps with texts, voice mails and email requests.  I wish it was me that she was running thru the door to, waving her cute little craft, excited to give it to my husband who will then make her lunch and play with her while I'm running to appointments and feeling disgruntled and resentful. 

So, today, when he called me to tell me that the opportunity to work for someone had presented itself, I was a little surprised and kind of skeptical.  Justin has one of those minds that is constantly thinking of how he can do things better or easier.  If only his body could keep up with his mind.  However, when he told me he needed me to figure out how much money he would have to make to cover my bills so I wouldn't have to work and could stay home, I nearly crashed into a tree.

Welcome...It All Starts Here

World English Dictionary

flip side
— noun
1.	another term for B-side
2.	another, less familiar aspect of a person or thing: the flip side ofJohn Lennon That's the definition, in case you were wondering.  When I started thinking about blog names, I thought 'what really defines my parenting role/situation/style and might be kinda witty?'  And right away I thought of 'The B Side'.   Let's be honest....unless you were born before 1980, you have no clue what a B Side is.  Basically, when you bought a record of your favorite song back in the ice age, there was another song on the other side that was less popular but had the potential to appeal to  some people.  That was the B Side of a record.  Almost no one bought the record for the B Side song. Another term for that is 'The Flip Side'. I did not think I was going to be a Flip Side Mom when I got pregnant.  I didn't think I was going to be one when I got married.  I can't say that I didn't think I was going to be one when I was younger, because until I was about 27, I didn't think I was going to be ANY kind of mom.  (That's a story for later.)  I really imagined being a full time, or mostly full time, mother.  I waited for what I thought was the right situation because I was determined that *I* was going to raise my children.   Well, The Big Guy Upstairs threw a curve ball at that one and now I'm learning to cope with this change in plans....and trying to remember to appreciate 'the village' that I am blessed to have helping me raise our daughter.   I'm not a full time mom.  I own a small business that I cannot quit.  I'm not with my daughter as much as I would like.  Not even CLOSE to as often as I'd like.  My husband is her primary parent.  I'm happy for him, but always grieving those missed milestone moments.  My parents are our back up....a lot.  Thank God for them because I would have a two year old with bad habits that still ate baby food if it wasn't for them.   I have photos of Allie all over my car, phone, iPad, day planner, etc. so I can look at her when I'm away.  I cry a lot.  I vent to dogs all day.  And I spend a lot of time listening to stand up comedy to try to cope.  (Laughter really does pull your mood out of the crapper....we will get to Operation Funnypants later). (Yes, I am aware that you know we're going to "get there" on everything eventually so I'll keep the future references to a minimum).   I know...you're still not sure what in the hell I'm talking about, right?  Don't worry.  As soon as I officially sort this out, you'll be the first one to know.   In the meantime.... Welcome to the Flip Side.