Friday, February 15, 2013

Jealousy

Once a week I take Allie to the local library for what we call "Baby Book Club".  They read books and sing and dance, and when it's all done they take you into another room where you bust out the glue stick, crayons and a pre-cut paper craft to assemble and take home.  It's really cute.  My mother, Justin's father and Justin have all taken her on occasion and they all came home raving about how it was the cutest thing they ever saw.  And it's also really good for Allie, seeing as how she only  has one little playmate, Natalie, who she sees every few weeks when Nana (my mom) and Natalie's grandma get together to let them play.  And when they play, that's super cute too.

I admit, I think EVERYTHING Allie does is super cute, but seeing her little personality evolve while interacting with others is just  precious to me.  Justin and I sit and gawk at her pretty much every waking moment.  She will NOT be complaining that her parents had anything but a positive affect on her self confidence years from now when she's in therapy (because, let's face it, we ALL are at some point.)

So, anyway, once a week we go to Baby Book Club and she gets social interaction and I get to do more gawking  and everyone is happy.  However, periodically, I look around the room at the parents to try to locate the ones who you just KNOW are stay at home parents.  Most of the parents are women, but there are some men mixed in there who are either stay at home dads or their work schedule allows them to take their tot to this little fun fest.   I mainly try to figure out what the deal is with the women.  Are they SAHMs?  Do they have a business where they can dictate their own hours, kind of like I do?  (It's more like I have to scramble to schedule that 40 minutes of time with my daughter)  What's their deal?

But the ones that trigger jealousy are the ones with children who are pregnant.  I'd hedge a bet that they are SAHMs for sure.   I just look at them and turn green with envy. I do not see anywhere in my near future where I will be pregnant again.  When the hell do I have time to GET pregnant, let alone BE pregnant?  I'm still trying to find "normal" in my current situation with just one.  My dream for two seems about as plausible as finding the answer to world peace.

But for a  second, I like to imagine that I have their lovely lives (because you know that the grass always looks greener on the other side....regardless of whether it's real grass or very realistic looking fake shit.)  I imagine that I don't have to drop off my daughter when Baby Book Club is over and speed off to my next appointment.  I like to think about going home and spending time with her and not being constantly interrupted by my phone as it beeps with texts, voice mails and email requests.  I wish it was me that she was running thru the door to, waving her cute little craft, excited to give it to my husband who will then make her lunch and play with her while I'm running to appointments and feeling disgruntled and resentful. 

So, today, when he called me to tell me that the opportunity to work for someone had presented itself, I was a little surprised and kind of skeptical.  Justin has one of those minds that is constantly thinking of how he can do things better or easier.  If only his body could keep up with his mind.  However, when he told me he needed me to figure out how much money he would have to make to cover my bills so I wouldn't have to work and could stay home, I nearly crashed into a tree.