Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Goodbye Stranger

I started this blog a bunch of years ago  when my daughter was a wee toddler and I was trying to find a way to cope with being a working mom with a handicapped husband.    

The main issue at that time was that I felt as though my daughter had bonded with my husband far more than she had bonded with me. Of course this is to be expected, considering that he spent every day with her, as he was unable to leave our home due to his medical condition.  In turn, that meant that I was working every day and wasn't at home as much as we ALL would've liked.

I'm pleased to say that things have changed since then. With lots of work, communication, debating, arguing, hurt feelings, guilt, rejection, and forgiveness we have managed to find a situation where we all are happy together and everybody feels loved and supported (most of the time....no one is perfect!)  I'd sum up that time period as "a pretty rough start to 
what has potential to finish as a success story".  Yay for us!

Recent milestones outside of my little wolf pack have triggered some new issues that I need to deal with. It seems like the issues never end, doesn't it?   I think that's the whole thing about life. We just keep plugging along looking for answers, and try to be grateful that we have questions that keep popping up. I think once you stop having issues, there's not a whole lot of breathing or bodily functions going on at that point (a/k/a you're dead).

Moving on, now I need to start taking care of my heath and this is the new general-issue that I'm tackling. I keep thinking that I wish I have appreciated youth and good health more.  I took all of those easy years for granted!

Some of you may know that 2017 started off with a big old rough patch for me. From January through early May, I had all sorts of crazy symptoms, saw almost every kind of doctor (Im still avoiding the proctologist!  45 years and counting.....Score!), and ended up with absolutely no answers.  It was a pretty scary time for me. 

Worse yet, I'd become so desperate for ANY diagnosis, that every single doctor who told me they didn't know what was wrong with me got to witness 'Vicki In Tears'.  And I'm not a pretty crier, just in case you were wondering.  One physician stared at me in horror. 

Surprisingly, I also became desperate to hear anything in regards to what was going on with me. And I mean anything. I would go to appointments to obtain test results, and tell myself that I would be happy even if they diagnosed me with cancer, because it least it would be an answer and I could treat something.  I just wanted a chance of being me again.

As I mentioned, I never got any answers. Lots of treatments and medications and recommendations, but no answers. The one thing that I did have was a friend who knew exactly what I was going through.  That in itself was priceless.   

Wendy IS priceless.  And a warrior.  And wise.  And she didn't leave me alone when I needed someone to keep heaving my ass up and push me along my path.  (This'll freak her out....) She was like my own little mortal Jesus, carrying me when I was too pathetic to walk thru life. Lol!

"I worry when you get quiet.  Send proof of life."  Those words let me know that I couldn't just shut down and hide with my family.  I had someone to answer to.

Then there was guilt.  Guilt because while I was so happy to have someone who understood, I also love her greatly and wanted her to find answers to HER issue and relief of her own. She is still searching for that. She was my rock..... and she still suffers while I am feeling better.  

I'm sure you're wondering what my point is here, aren't you?

My point is twofold.

Number one, I'm so grateful for Wendy. She taught me many things, but one of the largest lessons is my number two.  (Meaning, my second point... not my poop)

Number two, nobody likes to go through crap alone. And there are a lot of us struggling with so many different trials and tribulations and dramas and traumas.  We should try to come together and support each other, especially when you find somebody desperately trying to cope with an issue similar to yours.

(Side note:  Dont sink...SWIM!  It's essential to find someone who will float with you, not drag you down.  If you feel like you're drowning with them, BAIL!)

So, I'm putting my shit out there. I believe that a good portion of the things that ail me are a result of the fact I'm extremely unhealthy right now.  Granted, I rarely drink and I quit smoking over a decade ago. The only drugs I take or ones the doctors prescribe. I see a therapist regularly to help me deal with the ups and downs of life, as well as to help me interpret my husband. 

I say interpret, because I swear we speak different languages sometimes and my therapist is excellent at Manterpretation.  And no, you may not have his name and number, because he is totally fucking excellent and I don't want anybody infringing on his availability to me.  (Lol)

Hopefully I'll be able to honor my commitment here, because what I'm getting at is that I'm going to be posting my journey on my blog. I hope to succeed, but I imagine there will be some failures along the way, because even though my husband tells me that I think I'm always right, I know it's not true.

Feel free to comment, offer encouragement, cry on my shoulder, commiserate, and any thing else you feel like adding along the way.  And if you would like to join me in the efforts, I would be honored.

Here's my first entry:


 

Ps. Don't judge the hair and makeup....I work outside and I'm sickly, so cut a sister some slack!