I will never see those numbers ever again. They are ugly, mean numbers. Right now, I am creeping up on a number that I haven't seen since high school. When I get there I think I'll just ease up and linger there for a little bit.
However, Operation Fattypants is not complete. There will be future assaults on the fat that hasn't left! I think that the lingering a bit at a certain weight will help. The fat cells will let their guard down. Then I can sneak attack the sonsabitches just when they think it's over!
Anyway, someone asked me last week about the most helpful thing I did for myself that isn't being sold on every a diet plan. That was a stumper. I had to think about it for a bit.
Then I remembered a letter I wrote. I wrote it to myself back in July. My desperate, old self was writing to my encouraged, new self. I highly recommend this to anyone before they embark on trying "one more time" to get in shape, especially if you've tried a gazillion times like I have.
It was hard to start, but then I thought, "I need to speak to myself as if I was talking to someone I love and care about." So, I imagined that the person I was writing to was just that.... someone I love a lot. Unfortunately, I didn't envision my current self because, well, I didn't love myself much back then as you will soon see.
I carried the letter with me and took it out when Peanut M&Ms, amongst other things, were calling my name. (Those M&Ms are noisy little bastards.....especially during PMS) At times when I didn't have it with me, I still heard me reminding myself of this pep talk. I needed me to kick my ass from time to time and I did.
I'm actually going share the letter here. I kind of flip flopped on whether I should do this at all, but what the hell! A few days ago I was giving you my State Of The Breasts rant, so this isn't any more personal than that.
I'm writing a letter to you in the future but when you read this, it will be written in the past. I sit here looking into the future with hope, and also with fear of failure. I keep hoping that the person I become (you, right now) will have the strength to continue through when things get tough.....because I know they will.
You will feel lonely or angry or sad or resentful and all of these thing will make you want to eat something that isnt part of the plan right now. You will think of your comfort foods (donuts, everything little debbie, peanut m&ms, pancakes, etc) and something inside of you will say "If I can eat this, I will feel better. And its just ONE time. I'll go back to eating right later today."
Here's the thing. That food will make you feel numb for a little bit. But then you will feel anxious and depressed. You will feel like you let yourself down and your body will feel like its growing fat cells as you sit there. You will be tired, lazy, grumpy, etc. And you will feel unattractive to yourself and others.
Please dont do it. I'm begging you not to. Give us a chance. Let us have a shot at being thinner and feeling good physically. Give it one seriously good try!!!! Please???? I dont want to be like this anymore.
You are my only hope, so Im writing to you to try to convince you that you can get thru this without that food. That annoying cliche' is really true. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Nothing. That bite of candy or cake feels good for 10 minutes. Feeling fit feels good ALL DAY. From when you wake up until when you go to sleep.
You don't want your daughter to have a fat mother. Not even a chubby mom. You want her to see your example and strive for that. You will be able to keep up with her and do things you cant do now with her. Do it now, for the future, while there is still time to do this type of thing. As she gets older, you need to be more physically fit to keep up. Don't get left behind.
People start getting sick around your age. Heart problems, cancers, etc. Losing weight will help prevent this. Just like quitting smoking helped reduce the chance of lung cancer (and doesn't that feel good to not have to worry strongly about that?) losing weight will help reduce a bunch of other things.
Right now, I look in the mirror and Im disgusted. Gross. I see fat rolls on my stomach. I see cellulite on my thighs. I see fat hanging over my bra. My arms are slabs of meat. I am a fat person. Look at the photo from the july 4th fireworks. You look enormous.
Who is that person???? That's not who I think I am in my head. Why because Im so disconnected from my body. My mind still thinks Im a size 8 or something. And Im a 14 going on 16 in reality.
I feel unattractive and don't want to even be hugged by my husband. He is being neglected because I am fat. How awful to be that way over something you have the power to change! He will leave you eventually if you keep this up. Not because I'm fat, but because he feels unloved by someone who pushes him away due to embarrassment. You CAN change that.
Dont give up!
Does the food taste bad? Do whatever it takes to get it down. Its not forever. Just a few weeks! You've eaten worse.
Are you bored with the food? Its just food. And you are trying to get rid of the importance of food. If you keep at it, you wont care about how boring it is.
DId you cheat already? Well, move on. Do something to make up for it. Extra exercise. Eat less later. Whatever. Just fix the problem and get back on track. I am counting on you.
Go have some water. Take a walk. Write. Read something enjoyable like a kindle book or a funny blog. Move around. Do something else besides giving up. I know you can do it. You survived a whole mess of way worse things. You will totally get thru this too! And when we reach the other side, its going to feel great. And we will have each other to thank for it.
I love you.