Hello. My name is Vicki and I'm a Tractopotomus too!

In case you are wondering what a "tractopotomus" was, it's not a real word.  I made it up.  Here is where it came from:

A few months ago Rex Reed wrote a movie review for the New York Times in which he referred to Melissa McCarthy as a "hippo", "tractor-sized" and "obese". In case you aren't sure who she is, she stars on the tv show Mike and Molly, she was in the movie Identity Theif earlier this year, and this month she will be in The Heat with Sandra Bullock.  If the name still doesn't ring a bell, here's a little photo for you

Melissa has daughters, so the results of how she responded to this whole experience with Mr. Imafuckingmoron Reed was going to be immense! (no pun intended...seriously)  It could affect her reputation, her career and, most importantly, her daughters' self images.

Here was her response to USA Today yesterday:

She said her initial reaction was that of shock at the notion that a publication would even run a review with such mean-spirited remarks. But she added that she has bigger, more meaningful things in her life to focus on.

"I just thought, that's someone who's in a really bad spot, and I am in such a happy spot. I laugh my head off every day with my husband and my kids who are mooning me and singing me songs."

She concedes that the criticism "may have crushed me," at a younger age. Plus, as the mother of two daughters, she sees articles like that as damaging to young women. The article adds "to all those younger girls, that are not in a place in their life where they can say, 'That doesn't reflect on me.' That makes it more true. ... It means you don't actually look good enough."

I love that she waited four months to respond to that idiot.  She wasn't giving him the power of an immediate reaction.  However, I would love to know how she handled the effects of the article at home.  You can be sure that someone, somewhere mentioned these slanderous comments to one of her girls.  If I heard someone say things like that about my mother I would run home and ask her why people would say such awful things.

I wonder if Rex Douchebag Reed thought about that.  Did he at any point think about the two girls who would hear this about their mother?  How about the potential damage he was doing to millions of girls and women who already suffer with body image problems? He must have! And he still said it.  That's just mean spirited and evil. 

Here's another photo I would like you to look at: 

NY Post

That's Ireland Baldwin, 17 year old daughter of Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin.  She's a model and, apparently, some people feel that she's too tall, fat and unattractive to be a model.  Her extremely mature response to this, via Twitter, was:

“I understand that I am not a size .008.  What I don’t fully understand, is what is the good in commenting on a photo of a 17 year old girl and calling her fat, ugly, etc? Is that helping you in some way? I’m confused,” she wrote.

Can you imagine the conversations she had with her mother after reading such negativity?  Can you imagine how much of Ireland's time was spent wondering if any of the statements were true?  

From the time I was 11, I worried about my weight.  Now, children as young as five years old are concerned with dieting.  FIVE!  At five I was concerned about my brother not messing with my Barbies, when I could finally have a kitten, and why no one would mention that red frosting tasted hellacious before letting me eat it? 

Thirty years later, I'm still stressing about my weight.  At forty I said that I wasn't going to waste another year of my life worrying about what other people thought of me.  I wanted to accept myself for how I looked, rather than compare myself to women on tv, in movies, in magazines, on billboards, etc.  Wanna know how that's working out for me so far?  So far I'm not skipping around singing "winner, winner chicken dinner, look at me so much thinner!"

I look at Allie, so sweet and innocent, and just shudder about the thought that in the near future someone will say to her that she's fat or ugly, and tears and heartache will follow.  I hope that she will believe me when I tell her that what they say isn't true.  I wonder if she will understand all of the reasons why people might say such hateful things, like jealousy or insecurity.  

But if she's anything like her mother, she will still doubt and wonder.  I can STILL vividly recall the sting from a high school boyfriend saying my legs were too fat for the shorts I was wearing.  And I haven't worn another pair of shorts like that since.  That's how powerful words can be.

People are mean, as proven by Rex Womenprobablyalwayshatedhim Reed and Ireland Baldwin's critics.  What they have to benefit by saying these things is beyond me.  Do they feel better about themselves in some way?  Do they think sharing their opinion is so valuable that the feelings of others should be sacrificed in the process?  

In regards to writers, I think it's an abuse of their status to make people feel poorly about themselves with their widespread words.  Twitter reaches a huge number of people as well, even if you are just a regular Joe.  You're abusing your Tweeting powers by being hurtful.  Use your powers for good, people, not evil!!!

The truth is.... that Melissa McCarthy is a bit overweight according to those who promote healthy standards.  But she's fabulous as a comedienne, actress, and human being.  I don't even see her body any more.  I see that she can make me laugh, which makes me feel better, so therefore I love her!

The truth is.... that Ireland Baldwin is not a size 0.  But I would've given anything to look like that at 17, 27, 37, and you can be sure I will still be wishing it at 47 and beyond.  She looks amazing.  I hope that she can find a way to continue to rise above the hurtful things that jealous people are saying.

The truth is.... that a few days ago, I was looking at Allie and her little belly was sticking out and I thought, "OMG, look at how cute that little belly is!  It's better to have that now instead of when she grows up."  Shame on me.  I was pissed that I even had the second half of that thought.

Hopefully, by the time she grows up, what's considered attractive will be something other than having next-to-zero body fat.  Dear Lord, may we please revert to the time of Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell???  Of course, considering that both of Allie's  grandmothers were very thin people, she'll probably be thin too, and bitchy people will be yelling at her to have a sandwich.  

Hmmmmm...so, let me change that to Dear Lord, may my daughter never suffer from a poor body image and know that she is forever beautiful.  From the gospel according to Vicki.  Amen.

Cheater, Cheater Feedback

Some very interesting responses have come in since Monday's blog post!  I noticed that at first that there was nothing but crickets and a few tumbleweeds rolling around.  No one seemed to want to touch that subject with a ten foot pole, even if their neighbor was holding said pole.

Then the responses started trickling in.  What I love the most about getting feedback is that it makes me think.  Im open to hearing other people's views and there have been times when those people have changed my viewpoint a bit as well.  And other times I haven't changed my perspective at all but it gave me information about the other person that helped me understand them better.  

The first response was from my cousin, Liesl.  She picked up on something pretty obvious that I totally missed.  "I have to mention that the author has now publicly, at least twice, told the listeners that her husband is an utter and total loser who cheated when she struggled to protect an unborn child.  Does that actually count as leaving it alone?"

Good point.  While Wendy Williams said that she didnt bring it up while arguing, she kind of overlooked the fact that every time she mentions her husband's cheating its like scratching a scab off an open wound trying to heal.  I wondered what her husband was thinking while he sat in the Green Room listening to the interview.  For a moment I felt kind of bad for him.  If she said she was going to forgive and move on, she should do just that and let it die.

But then the big mouth, spiteful part of me started screaming (in my head, of course), "Screw him!  It's a small price to pay for being a cheating bastard.  He should be glad she forgave him and only mentions it when it's brought up in interviews!  Sandwich board!  Sandwich board!!!!!"

But the facts, her words, are that she was going to leave it alone.  Excellent point.  (Your parents always said you would've been a great lawyer, Li.)

Later I received a different kind of message from someone who would like to remain anonymous.  I thought he had some really good insight and he presented cheating from the another standpoint.  It was different from the  "Amen, sister!" and "My asshole husband cheated!" responses.  Im going to include the entire message because I think it would be unfair to edit it, as the parts I would take out are character defining.  

"Wow, that was very deep!!  And  not at all what I expected when I clicked on the link!!  

Heres a different perspective for what its worth... I was on the cheater side of the fence.  And yes, to all of you that just said to themselves "I bet its a guy!!", you are correct.  

Although I am almost proud to say, almost... I never slept with anyone besides my wife while we were together.  Not that its any better but we only kissed.  Still wrong I know. I also wished it never happened for everyone involved.  I would do anything to take that back.  

However I was done with the relationship.  I tried to make it work for as long and as hard as I could.  I cant say I was driven to it, that would be wrong, a cop out, but I was pushed to my limits.  

So what I would say to anyone that finds themselves in this situation is what part are you playing in it??  Unless your partner is just a cheating bastard there must be a reason behind them looking for whatever it is they are looking for with someone else.

I was also the target of the public humiliation revenge.  This campaign also included a lot of ficton to say the least.  I can honestly say this campaign didn't benefit anyone, kids included.  Those who really knew me, knew how much I loved my wife and children and that I would do and did anything for them.  Those who didnt really know me can talk all they want.  A friend recently told me "What people have to say about you is none of your business". You have to appreciate the wisdom.

As I said, I would do anything to take back having cheated, but not the end of the marriage.  As it turns out it was the best decision I ever made.  I had a great relationship with the "other" woman.  She taught me how to be myself again' how to love and how it felt to be loved, how to feel appreciated, how to feel like you matter.  I couldnt be happier that I made the decision to get out of a bad relationship and try again.  I didnt make that decision based on a new relationship.  However she gave me the self confidence to believe I did deserve better.  For that I will always be eternally grateful."

There are a few things that I got out of this:

1- So many of us are afraid to end a relationship when we are miserable, especially when children are involved.  I can understand that.  Justin and I have many times said, "Can you imagine not being able to spend time with Allie whenever you want?  Or to see her drive away for a few days to be with someone else?"  It's heartwrenching.  So, I get it.  

However, as a child of divorce, I can tell you that you arent doing your kids any favors by staying in the marriage.  Youre setting the example of what they think a normal marriage is and it's not good.  And if you add cheating, you screw yourself the most (pun totally intended!)  You will be known as a cheater, regardless of how shitty the other person was.  Guaranteed.

2- He's right. If your spouse is looking elsewhere, they arent happy.  Dump your ego at the door and check yourself.  What you think is perfectly normal behavior may be making them miserable. Why dont you try asking "What am I doing that's making you such an unhappy sonofabeyotch?"   No one is ever innocent in divorce because no one is perfect.  

3- I completely agree that public humiliation should not be based on lies.  To refer to my annoying sandwich board once again, "My husband is a cheating whore and home wrecker" is a statement based on facts.  "My husband is a cheating whore who never loved me and abused our children" could be based on perspective....unless he told you he never loved you and then smacked your kids on the way out.  Then, fact.  

But as he said above, it doesn't help anyone, especially the kids.  I dated someone once whose wife repeatedly told his kids that their father didn't really care about them and that's why he didnt see them every Wednesday.  She failed to mention that he now worked overtime to pay child support and he did ask if he could stop by on his way home from work to see them, but she had said no....because she was a bitch.

So, in response, I have decided to ammend my Sandwich Board, Big Ass Bell Plan.  I can't mail his car back to him part by part because we traded it it.  And he has REALLY light eyebrows, so that's not accomplishing much by shaving them off.  I will abandon the plan altogether and have faith that I will never need one.  After all, I was able to let go of my other plans (The When Aliens Invade Plan and The We've Been Invaded By Another Country Plan) so this will have to go as well.

Cheater, Cheater, Revenge Is Sweeter

Howard Stern was interviewing Wendy Williams this morning and they were talking about her new book.  One of the topics she discusses is infidelity.  Her husband cheated on her when she was pregnant twelve years ago and she stayed with him.

"When you fight do you bring it up?  That he cheated," Howard asked.

She answered him very matter-of-factly. "No.  If you stay, you leave it alone."  It was like a response and advice all in one.

I remember the last time that she was on his show and they discussed this situation then as well.  I really wasn't sure what I thought about it.  She had been pregnant and was not allowed to have sex.  She was on bed rest the entire time since she had previously suffered two miscarriages, both at five months.  On her part, there was a lot of forgiveness, empathy, and selflessness.  On his part, he was a pathetically horney douche bag.  Just my personal opinon on that one.

This got me thinking.  I personally have developed a "public humiliation" stance on repsonding to cheating.  Not everyone feels this way.  I respect people who are able to work though it, alone or as a couple, and come out on the other end feeling like everything is going to be fine, regardless of the end result.   Private dealings are also impressive.  Couples who have survived infidelity and never let anyone know about it are just astonishing to me.

Why?

Because if my husband cheated on me, you and the rest of the world would know about it.  I would be in front of my house, pacing back and forth while wearing a "(My husband's full name), your neighbor, is a cheating whore and family wrecker" sandwich board, clanging some big ass bell to make sure I got everyone's attention.  This would be happening during high traffic hours, by the way.  I'd be napping at noon to get my energy up for the travellers that start filtering in around 5pm.

I would want the world to know that I had been scorned.  If he couldnt feel the pain of my humiliation, he would certainly feel his own kind of humiliation.  I have no idea why I feel this way.  Maybe it's immaturity on my part.   Or it could be that I love him so much and would be devastated to the point of displaying ridiculous behavior at a much higher level than my normal insane behavior.

To address the immaturity part, this is a much more scaled down version of my original plan of  retaliation.  My previous version involved acts such as dismantling his beloved car and mailing it back to him piece by piece....title last, and shaving his eyebrows off while he slept.  So, I suppose I am growing up.

Revenge aside, I couldnt stop thinking about how people are able to forgive and continue on with a happy marriage.  I heard what Wendy said about leaving it in the past, but I'm quite sure that during any arguement, the first thing out of my mouth for the rest of our lives would be "You fucking cheated on me when I trusted you, you bastard!  I'm right and you're wrong.  FOREVER!!!"  How do people stifle that?  How do they get past it?  Even if I wanted do, I don't know if my brain would let me.

Then I thought about the additional factor in the situation.  A child.  Maybe she forgave him because she wanted to finally have that family more than she wanted to punish him.  Her dream was stronger than her ego.  Her desire to give her child a home with two parents allowed her to forgive him (but you can bet your bippy she doesn't forget about his moment of douchbagism).  Apparently, he never strayed again.

There is someone very close to me who was equally selfless.  Unfortunately, her husband was too stupid to see how lucky he was to have someone who was willing to pardon him for the sake of their family.  She wanted her children to have a full time father and he took advantage of her forgiving nature.

She realized he wasn't going to "smarten up" when he decided to move out while she took her daughter college hunting in another state (so brave of him, right?)  Years later, he finally got a clue after he found himself on the other side of the cheating field.  He spent his last years mourning the life he could have had if he had appreciated his first wife and stopped screwing around.  Too little, too late.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be like either of those women.  I also don't think I have enough verbal restraint to make it happen.  After thinking about both examples, I realize that maybe I would need to be a bit more reserved and introspective for Allie's sake if I was in their positions.  I have no idea what that would entail.  I need to put a lot of thought into this.

Just maybe the sandwich board show in the neighborhood might not be what's best for Allie.  Can you imagine...."Aren't you the little girl whose mom had a revenge parade down the road before she divorced your dad?"

Oy.  I'd be paying for that during her teenage years for sure.  "Because of you, they made ME stand in traffic holding the sign to advertise our fund raiser!  Some lady stopped to hand me a bell!  I hate you!" Door slam.  Music blaring.  

While I'm revamping this plan that I PRAY I never have to put into action, I would like to leave you with some people who share my current thought process.  I present to you a collection of vengeful acts titled The Most Satisfying Examples of People Who Got Revenge on a Cheating Ex on a site fittingly called HappyPlace.com.

Enjoy!  (And be glad none of those people are you!)

Actual For Sale sign shown in photo on the Happy Place link above

How Do You Stop An Excessiveschoolbusstopitis Outbreak??

There is a disease that I thought was indigenous to my area, but I recently discovered that it is speedily infecting other nearby towns and it actually may not have originated here.  It's called Excessiveschoolbusstopitis.

"AIIIIIGHHHHH!!!!"

That's me about once a day during my travels.  It's a mixture of awe and frustration and feeling trapped.  "How did I end up behind this bus?  Why did I take this road?  How long is this going to go on?  Why, sweet Jesus, WHY!?"

Now, I realize that I don't have school age children yet, so my opinion is a little biased.  However, I think I'm pretty good at identifying when people have taken a good thing too far.  Let me provide you with a little example of Excessiveschoolbusstopitis that's gone untreated.

On an average day I often find myself behind a bus, which is usually travelling at a nice speed of 45 mph on a county road.  I feel no stress because the bus is doing the speed limit and the driver is handling the twists and turns with ace precision.  Things are good.

Suddenly we slow down, the flashing lights go on, the bus crawls to a stop, the stop sign pops out next to the driver and we are at a school bus stop.  "Oh.  A stop.  Look how cute!  The mom is waiting at the end of the driveway for her!  And now they are hugging as her mom takes her backpack and they start up the driveway.  I can't wait until Allie is that age.  I want to be waiting for her when the bus stops."

All the world is lovely and blissful.  The stop sign flattens against the bus, the lights stop flashing and we're off.....for about 10 seconds.

Lights, sign, stop, parent waiting at the end of the driveway.  "Wow, there are a lot of parents meeting their kids when they get off the bus.  It must be nice to not have to work so you can be home.  What's taking this kid so long?  The bus isn't THAT long, buddy.  You're kids.....you run everywhere, so giddy up."

And for the record, I do say all of these things out loud and, yes, sometimes my window is open.  Fortunately, they almost never hear me.  Notice I said almost never.  I'm not proud of those other moments.

The boy is off the bus and his dad is talking to the driver, laughing.  "Guess what?  Being late isn't funny, Daddy-O, so let's get cracking here.  There are three cars behind me in case you hadn't noticed.  Save your funny shit for the morning stop."  I shoot them an annoyed look as we move forward and then.....

Lights, sign, stop, caregiver waiting. "Wha...???  We JUST stopped!  Like, fifty feet back!"  I'm flabbergasted every time.  The kid runs off the bus, past the caregiver and up the driveway.  My blood pressure is rising, but we are moving again, so I start to feel calm.  Until....

Lights, sign, stop, mom and little brother waiting.  "OH MY GAWD!  (Arms thrown up in exasperation) Are you fucking kidding me??  Really??  We JUST STOPPED!  We stopped back there. On the other side of the mailbox.  Like twenty feet ago!  Are you telling me your kid couldn't get off back there and hike his little ass across the twenty feet of lawn to YOUR driveway??  Better yet, why don't you two families get together and agree to meet at the freaking mailbox way back yonder?!!"

This continues forEVER.  Okay, not forever, but it feels like it.  They should have a "school bus"  button on every GPS so you can hit it when you get stuck behind one.  Your GPS will saucily say "Recalculating" and add an additional fifteen minutes to your arrival time.  Otherwise, you've got to watch your GPS adding minutes slowly and each time it goes up, you get more and more freaked out.

Well, at least I do.  I admire those of you who are completely unfazed by this type of situation.

To be fair, I should add at this point that I used to have a road rage problem.  (I'm sure you're shocked about this information, right?) Key word there is HAD.  I got better.

When I commuted from here to my previous job which was an hour away, I wanted to kill people when I got to my destination.  In the morning, they sent me to the shredder to take my frustrations out there.  In the evening, well....let's just say it's a wonder that my husband doesn't drink heavily.

Justin will tell you about my road rage issues (he loves to rat me out) AND he will also confirm that I have improved immensely (because he's not stupid and knows he should make me sound good or I'll shun him) AND he's proud of how far I've come since the police pulled me over to issue warnings (because he's good at being a suck up).

It's been six years and I'm nearly recovered.  I'm mostly a happy driver now.  I just don't want you thinking I'm a complete maniac behind the wheel.

Back to my original subject.

Here's my thing....when I was a wee lass, we used to walk down to the bottom of the hill to wait for the bus.  Kids from a four house radius met there.  I'm sure the parents who lived within view of the bus stop probably kept an eye out for us as well.  None of us were kidnapped.  We were a group.  And we watched out for each other.  We gave a shit about each other and had a smidgen of street smarts to be on the look out for anything suspicious.  Plus, it was fun!

What in the hell happened since then?  Which parent was the first to say, "I want the bus to stop right at the bottom of my driveway."  Better yet, who was the trend setter that saw it and got all worked up about it and said, "If the bus is going to stop at THEIR driveway then I want it to stop at mine!  What makes their kid so damn special?"

You know that's where it all began.  Right there with that second call to the school.  Bitch.

It makes me sad that Allie will probably never get that feeling of hanging out at the bus stop with her peers, giggling with her little friends and complaining about boys and hearing the older kids say curse words for the first time.  The bus stop was training for what later would be water cooler talk when life was no longer fun, games and book lernin' from 9 to 5.  The training appears to be over now.

It's the little things like this bus stop situation that seem so wrong.  The kids lose that little independent experience and become lazy.  They think that they should get special treatment.  Wait until they get jobs in the city and find out that the subway doesn't stop at their office door.  Boy, will they be pissed!

And people like me shouldn't have to get fired up while driving and end up behind schedule due to skatey-eight gazillion stops.  It's just so unnecessary.  Bring back the group school bus stop, I say!

All of this is a symptom of Excessiveschoolbusstopitis.  I'm actively searching for a vaccine.

I probably should be looking for a Valium instead.

Wrapping Up The Anxiety Topic

I'm sorry for the delay in posting this final segment.  I appreciate how many of you have reached out to me while reading the first two parts.  I wish I had spoken out two and a half years ago!  Little did I know that so many people were out there, willing to share and sympathize.  

If only I knew then what I knew now.   How many times do we all find ourselves saying that?

So, I left off wondering how I was going to find help.  Clearly there wasn't any organization or doctor that was going to say, "Ah, yes!  This is very common.  We see it all of the time!  Read this book, take this medication, talk to this therapist and you will be back to normal in no time.  We have all of the answers!"  

Nope.  Nuttin.

One of my saving graces was a strange communication chain I had.  I had a relative that suffered with postpartum issues as well and from what I could tell, I was following the exact path she was on.  

We will call her Maya....as in My(a) Relative. Corny I know, but I over-thought finding a witty name for her and it's the best I could come up with.  Suddenly I think I'm someone's Italian grandmother.  

Unfortunately  I hadn't spoken to Maya  in years, so I didn't feel like I could just call.  I mean, what do you say?  "Well, hi there!!  Remember me from six years ago?!   I hear through the grapevine that  you're out of your mind and thinking freaky crap too.  What are the chances, huh?  So, what kind of scary, weird shit do you worry about?  What are YOU doing about it?"  If I was her I would think that my family is talking about what a nut job I am behind my back, amongst themselves and whoever else might listen.  

The truth is that the only people who knew were my mom and one of our mutual relatives.  We will call that person Aunt Herah.  As in Her (ah) Relative.  Yes, the Italian grandmother naming cycle continues.

My mom mentioned my situation to Aunt Herah, who said, "Guess what....Maya went thru that too!"  Suddenly, I felt like there was someone out there.  Life on another "planet"!  I literally felt like I found the only other person in the world who spoke my language.

This was my ONLY personal connection to information and help.  The chain gets a little confusing here, but here is how every question that I had was answered: I would ask my mom, who would call Aunt Herah, who would ask Maya, who would report back to Aunt Herah, who would call my mom, who would call me.  

Whew. It was like playing that game Telephone that we all played as kids.  The difference was that I was desperate so the information was received exactly as it was given.

I'd listen to the information Maya shared, review it with my mom, analyze the shit out of it, hang up and cry.  I was either relieved that I wasn't the only one thinking this craziness, or I had gained insight and now knew how I could proceed.  Regardless of what it was, I was not alone and that in itself was huge.

The only thing missing was the feeling of hopefulness.  I needed a sign.

One afternoon when Allie was about 2 months old, we were standing in my front yard enjoying the sun.  I was feeling really anxious and couldn't seem to "get good air".  Anyone who suffers from anxiety or panic attacks will tell you that sometimes they feel like they can't get a good, deep breath of air no matter how hard they try.   I call that not being able to "get good air".   Those big deep breaths that you take when people tell you to calm down don't exist.  It's as if you're laying down with a brick on your chest.

Anyway, my neighbor, who I've always respected and admired, drove by.  She stopped and rolled her window down.  She had been the first friend to visit me when Allie was born so she had seen the happy, elated person I had been during that first week.   I guess I didn't look the same.

"Hey, neighbor!  How are ya doing?" she called out.

"Okay!"  I tried to fake it with a smile and a bouncy nod.

"You know, it's gonna get better!  Somewhere like around eight or twelve weeks, you'll feel more normal.  Trust me."

I remember thinking, 'Where did that come from?'  It was as if God knew I needed something, so in the immortal words of Bill Engvall, He said

Somehow she had picked up right away that I wasn't really okay.  She kind of knew what I was going through.  I can still see her smiling at me from behind the wheel.   I can hear her yelling over that I was going to be fine.   She had two kids and she was doing great, so she had to know!  That was my first glimmer of hope.

Sign, check!

I started seeing a doctor who put me back on medication and I have a trusty, ole therapist who was trying to help me control my wacky thoughts in the process.  To this day its still difficult to stop my mind from going off on a horrible tangent, but at least now I can stop it early instead of waiting until I'm a total mess.  

There is no perfect,  Hollywood movie ending to this little story.  That's part of the reason why it has taken me so long to finish this.  I've been searching for something that will leave you saying, "Well, that was a feel-good, happy story!"  Here's the best I can offer:

It's two and a half years later and I feel like I'm 80% back to being me, which is a lot better than it sounds.  I'm less claustrophobic and can hold my husband's hand without feeling weirdly restrained.  I don't have to keep Allie in arms reach at night while we sleep.  No more hysterical screaming in my car.  And I don't look like Janet Leigh in Psycho while I'm showering anymore.

I no longer let my mind torture me about my daughter.  That dark and evil thing is almost gone.  On rare occasions, I'll hear that he's at my brain's door.  When I look thru that peep hole, I see him standing there holding a sign about something new for me to get totally freaked out about.  When it happens, it pisses me off.  So, I fight it.

My advice to anyone going through this, or something similar, is this:

• Reach out to everyone and anyone.  If your family and friends can't help, look for strangers who might have even the tiniest of potential to help.  
• Don't be afraid of what people will think of you because in the grand scheme of things, what people think isn't going to make you happy or unhappy in life.  What you DO will accomplish that.  
• Be prepared to be surprised by how many other people are keeping something similar to themselves, only to reveal it to you when you open yourself to them.  
• Call a doctor and tell them you need help.  They will try.
• Don't call Tom Cruise.  He will tell you that you're crazy.  This coming from a man who jumps on couches because he's in love on national television.  Hello, Pot!  This is The Kettle.  You're black.

And if none of that helps, I'm right here.  I understand.  I can't fix you or save you, but maybe I can help you find a direction to go in.  That's all I was ever looking for.  The truth is that YOU will save you.  Sometimes you just need someone to say that you CAN and WILL do it.