Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Non-Serious Sirius

Day three of Operation Fattypants is complete.  I walked 13,461 steps (just under 6 miles) and did 26 flights of stairs from when I woke up to just before plopping my ass in bed.  I burned 2302 calories being me today.  And you know what?

I'm really tired....and I'm freakin' hungry!

OMG, I want to eat waffles and eggs benedict and a heaping bowl of pasta and chocolate and cake.  Lots of cake.  I want to bake a whole cake, put it on a plate, frost it, grab a fork and eat it straight from the cake!  No slicing crap.

But I'm not going to.  Not today.  Hopefully not tomorrow either, but definitely not today.  

Today started what I refer to as Hell Week.  July is usually a very busy month, but every July there is at least one week packed with appointments from when I wake up clear thru until my Serta Perfect Sleeper calls me back home. This occurs due to two reasons: #1 - I hate to say no to people AND #2 - I say "yes" before I check to see if I blocked time to eat and stare at my family.  Every year I call myself a moron and swear it wont happen again, and clearly, every following year I do it again.

What saves my sanity is the Sirius radio in my car that Justin gave me.  Originally, I wanted it so I could listen to Howard Stern every day, but eventually I strayed to other channels and discovered..... the comedy channels.  Yayyyyy!

On more than one occasion, I've had to pull over on the side of the road because I couldn't see from laughing so hard.  This is usually followed by calling my mother or Justin to tell them what I just heard (they are the only ones who will laugh with me when I try to repeat the stories) and then I'm laughing  all over again.  

Recently, Sirius added the Comedy Central channel to the lot and I flip back and forth between that, Blue Collar Radio and Raw Dog Comedy.  Tonight there was an interview with Kathleen Madigan, my favorite, on Raw Dog and it was so awesome that I had to pause it and leave my car running while doing my work so I wouldn't miss any of it.  For an hour I was hanging out with her and Tom Papa instead of wishing I was putting Allie to bed, all jammed up in that toddler bed with her and the seven thousand stuffed animals she piles around herself.  Oh, how I wished I was there instead.

A hilarious take on why Kathleen thinks our economy is in the crapper

Her thoughts on Vegetarians 

 This is audio only, but if you were Catholic at any point in your life (or made fun of Catholics) you should enjoy this.... I wish I had a Bob to do my talking.

When the interview with Tom Papa was over, I realized that today my thoughts up until that point had consisted mainly of two things.... and one of these two things left me a little concerned about my sanity.

First thing - I just wanted to spend whatever free time I had with Allie, so when I had a small break I dashed home.  She's been very "entertaining/TWO" lately so you really never know what you're going to get. 

Yesterday, when I asked her to pick one of two outfits to wear for the day, she said, "Come with me.  Lets ask Daddy which one he thinks is cuter."  Excuse me?  Suddenly her father is her fashion coordinator?  The man who I fought with for years about wearing navy blue t-shirts with black shorts?  The guy who still holds up clothes and says, "Are these acceptable? Do they go together?" before we get dressed to leave the house for an event?

The evening prior to that, we were getting ready for bed and she said, "Please turn that thing off," as she pointed at the fax machine that's still in her room.  "Why?" I asked.  "I don't like it.  I didn't like it when I was an angel and I don't like it now."

Angel?  Talk about giving me goose bumps.  Immediately I thought of the Nun who looked at Allie when she was a day old and said, "She's a very old soul."  When a Nun says it, there's a bit of credibility attached.  Enough credibility that family members started saying she was their favorite deceased relatives reincarnated.  

When I told my mother what Allie had said, she gasped and gave me the wide eyed look that says "ooooooo....spooky!"  And then she gave me the squinty eyed, judgey, tell-me-the-truth look and said, "Is your father still in that damn room???!!!!"

(She's referring to my father's ashes.  This is a bone of contention with my mother that I will reserve for a later time.  It'll probably come up when I mention Justin driving around for over a week with dead people that he found in a dumpster in boxes.)

Speaking of dead people....

Second thing - One of the most hilarious comedy routines I ever heard was played on Raw Dog Comedy Channel about 2 years ago.  It was an older, african-american comedian with a deep voice and for the life of me I can't remember his name.  I'm continuously checking the channel in hopes that he will pop up so I can check him out on YouTube.

Anyway, he was talking about how our government wastes money on crap like research that determines how many holes cheese has to have to qualify as Swiss.  And he brought up Jeffrey Dahmer.  I'll try to repeat it as close to verbatim as I can remember.

"The government spent a fortune on determining if Jeffrey Dahmer was insane.  Why?  Because he was pleading Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity.  Multiple psychologists were brought in and many months were spent analyzing this guy!   
I think I could save them a whole lot of time and money.  Why don't we have a law that says:  If you eat two or more're insane.  And guilty too!  Because after you ate the first one, you KNEW you were wrong!"

The "if you eat two or more people" thing slayed me.  If you only eat one person, I guess you are a-OK in the mental department.  lol.

And what he said made so much sense, but I spent a good portion of my day trying to wrap my mind around this: Jeffrey Dahmer was trying to prove that he was insane to prove that he was NOT GUILTY.  So, if he's insane, he's not guilty?  Well, I think we all pretty much know that the guy was a few fries short of a Happy Meal.  Does that mean that our government would give someone who eats people a pass because he was nuts???

Better yet, (and don't worry, I'm almost done with this) our laws indirectly conclude that sane people can also be cannibals!  Why?  Because they did NOT find him insane.  The following is from
As far as 'clinically insane', this was and still is a constant debate among professionals. While he was quite clearly mentally ill, there are several differences between mentally ill, clinically insane and legally insane. The purpose of his trial was to determine weather or not he fit the legal definition of insanity. He may VERY WELL have been clinically insane. However, one can be clinically insane and still not be able to prove LEGAL insanity or, even if they are able to prove legal insanity, the jury could STILL find them to be legally sane. Which was the case with Jeffrey Dahmer. All the psychiatrists that evaluated him agreed that he had serious mental illness but, they held different opinions as to weather or not he was legally insane.   
So, these people can't decide if eating people and then making furniture out of their parts constitutes insanity??  If he was not legally insane and ate humans and it was proven wrong, it's normal to eat humans?  He was crazy!  He was guilty!  Me and my 15-credits-short-of-a-degree-in-psychology can assess and confirm this.  No doubt about it, peeps.

I had to come to a conclusion on this debate in my head, and I decided after reading the above paragraph...... that no one knows what the fluck they are talking about.

And our government is so complicated that they can't even figure their own shit out.  It's like trying to nail Jello to a wall.  Keep hammering and if you're lucky, something will stick!

Welcome, all, to July's Hell Week.  It's going to be long ride!


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